topbella

Friday, December 4, 2009

Our Babys 4D Ultrasound

Ooook
So facebook is being a big meanie and wont let me upload my video due to the background music I've chosen...I think that's pretty shit facebook!!But anywho this seems to be the only way I can share it with you so I have uploaded it to my youtube and will post the link here.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HtrrINAyUmQ

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Moth Related Update…

This is just a quick update on the moth-status to keep you all informed of the twisted mind games these retched creatures play and to keep you all alert and prepared for anything.

So as you know from my previous blog, there are two moths hiding in the elevator at work…well, not hiding very well as I know they are there.

Anyway, they have been there for some time now, a week or two maybe, taunting me each time I enter…last week for a split second I thought the elevator broke down while I was trapped in there with them and I envisaged the front page of the next days Herald… “Young pregnant woman mauled to death by killer moths lurking in the dark places of the elevator” Horrific I know…luckily though, the elevator was not broken and I managed to escape!!

Ok so here I was thinking they weren’t very smart because they weren’t hiding very well and I could see them. I have noticed over the past few days that they have had some movement as I've mentally marked their positions in my mind and some days I go in and they’re in a different spot to where they were the day before…

However, it was brought to my attention tonight, that these killer creatures are actually a lot smarter than I give them credit for.

They must be aware that I know of their location…perhaps they have a facebook spy stalking my profile, reading my blogs…either way, somehow, they know that I know where they are and now it seems they have taken to drastic measures to keep their cover from being blown…So take this all as a warning peoples, things are not always as they seem….


…THEY HAVE NOW DISGUISED THEMSELVES AS CHEWING GUM!!!

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Ahh Shit! Its that time of year again…

As I’m sure you are all aware (if you’re not then you’re an idiot!) but Christmas is approaching. Summer is approaching.
There are many wonderful things about this time of year…The warmth, falling asleep by an open window, mangoes, lying by a pool reading a good book while drinking a cocktail of some sort…many, many wonderful things.
Unfortunately with the good, comes the bad.

This time of year also means the time for many horrible things…Higher credit card bills due to “Christmas” Shopping, spring cleaning (shudder), being obligated to spend almost a whole day with people to whom you may be related but never knew existed during any other time of the year, aka “The Family”, the stench of too many sweaty bodies in one small space at one time, and of course…MOTH SEASON!!!!!!!!

Yes that’s right folks, that dreaded time of year has approached us once more and this year I am more scared then ever.

If you’re new to my blog, first of all, welcome, and second of all I must inform you that I am absolutely terrified of moths. I am completely aware that this is infact an extremely irrational fear but I cannot control it. I have tried on many occasions and have failed on all occasions.

As we all know, moths generally come out at night…when the bright shiny fluorescence of unnatural light beckons them out of their daily slumber and awakens them to the world. This means, Moth Season is going to be worse this year for two main reasons:

1. I don’t work through the day any more…I work AT NIGHT! And
2. I’m pregnant, therefore everything I do is not just about me any more, as much as I'd like to think otherwise (from time to time
).

Due to my being pregnant, I am really quite concerned that my fear of moths may cause havoc for my tiny unborn baby. I’m worried that a moth will be attacking me (because that’s the only reason they have been put on this earth) and I will freak out, as I do, try to get away, trip and fall and hurt my baby.
The irrational thing about that (besides the actual fear itself) is that of the 74 million times I have been under attack and had to get away in a panic, I haven’t really fallen all that often…a stumble here and there but nothing major. I guess that’s because during those challenging times, I've not needed to consider the wellbeing of any other…being.

Because I now work only at nights…I am subjected to the battlegrounds more often then I'd like. Especially at work…I am constantly surrounded by the bright lights to which these retched creatures are attracted…I strongly believe that this is where they meet in the early evenings to plan their next attack!

Last night when I finished work, I walked into the car park elevator slowly and with precaution, scanning the perimeter for any enemies as I do every night, and there on the bottom edge of the railing was one white moth. I held my breath and willed the elevator to hurry up and finish its long journey from ground floor to the carpark so I could quickly escape before being eaten alive. I was lucky to survive but concerned that I'd left it there…alive.

As a result I had 3 nightmares about moths last night so you can imagine my horror as I saw the beast hiding in the elevator again today when I arrived at work. I warned Ms.D about the hidden assailant so she was not attacked unawares.

At the end of the night, I finished my shift, gathered my belongings, and made my way to the building exit to accompany Ms.D on her break. As I approached the glass sliding doors, illuminated by the unnatural fluorescent light mentioned above, I saw them. Three giant moths guarding the exit, waiting for me to approach.
My archenemies seemed a little more dense this year, I thought to myself, noting that they did not hide very well and I was able to be prepared for their attack. However, much to my shock (and relief), they did not attack…instead, they opted for mind games…a war tactic I have seen before. They show themselves…making their plans for war evident, plant the seed of fear into my brain. Make it apparent to me that they are here and they mean business!!! Clearly not as dense as I first suspected…

When it was time to leave, I approached the elevator again with caution and fear, knowing that the white warrior may still be there. Ms.D tried to assure me that because it was still there it should mean that it was not going to harm me, but alas, she does not know the mind games they play.

“It knew I would be back…it quite possibly informed the others I would be back.”

And just as I feared, there were others. Ms.D had to press the button for me as there was a great big green one guarding the area.

The doors opened, I peered inside…it was still there…and it was not alone. I quickly passed on my last wishes to Ms.D…just incase I didn’t make it out alive, but again…I was saved. This is just the beginning…

People be aware!!! They are here. They are angry and they are out to get me!

I ask…no, I beg of you. If you see one (or more) DO NOT LET IT LIVE!! They Must Die!


If you enjoyed this, then you may enjoy the following entries:

THE PLAGUE - God Must Hate Me...
………………………………………………………………
Update on...THE PLAGUE

………………………………………………………………

OMG Scary Stuff!!

………………………………………………………………

Moth Season is Approaching...

………………………………………………………………

OH MY GOD - BREAKING NEWS!!!

Stay Safe Amigos

┬║Boop┬║

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

My Pregnancy Journey + General Life Update

Well I haven’t updated anything on my pregnancy journey for a while and I know that my last blog was a little bit dark but I feel ready to write down some thoughts again.

The reason I haven’t written anything for a while, as you could tell from my last entry, is that I had been feeling a little bit ‘down & out’ of late.
Coming to terms (or trying to) with the fact that I am probably a borderline alcoholic and I really, really miss alcohol, along with all the dental work I’ve been going through combined with all the pregnancy symptoms I've been having, it all sort of took its toll on me and wore me down.

From previous entries, you’ll know that I had to have a dental crown fitted and afterwards the tooth had some sensitivity but that has now subsided and for the most part, everything seems to be going A-OK with that. I do get small little tooth aches here and there but that is just spurred on from some sinus problems I’ve been having. I’ve always suffered from hayfever and allergies and sinus problems my whole life but apparently they tend to flare up when pregnant…something to do with hormones of course…a word which is slowly becoming a swear word in my dictionary!! Anyway, the sinus acting up is what’s causing the toothaches and the dentist is not worried by them so I also shouldn’t be either... I'm trying really hard to not let it bother me.

I also had a cold for a while, not long back, which lasted for about a month. The antibiotics prescribed to me by a local doc certainly helped…I probably would have gotten them sooner if it weren’t for a particular nearby medical centre changing their billing processes.
It was a Monday night, during my cold, and I'd had some time off work the week before but thought I was well enough to go back. Turned out I was wrong and was sent home. As this was happening around the time of the Swine Flu craze (which I think is still kind of going on somewhere in the backgrounds of life), Mr.J wanted me to go to the doctor to just have a check up for peace of mind. So, off I went to the aforementioned medical centre.

After telling the stupid receptionist that I wished to see next available doctor, she then informed me that their policy had changed and it now costs $30 to see a doctor. This was a very new policy, as I’d been there earlier in the month and didn’t have to pay. Being a Monday and given that my hours at work have cut down considerably, I did not have $30 on me to give to her. I asked if there was anyway they could just hold off on that till the next day, let me see a doc and I'd come and pay later. She told me that there was NO WAY it could be done. I informed her that I was 4 months pregnant and she still didn’t seem to care!!! Since being turned, away, I have left a comment detailing this incident in the Google comments section provided for googlers to see when searching for this particular medical centre (Castle Towers Medical Centre…).

Anyway, a week later when I still wasn’t any better, I found a new medical centre that bulk bills and will forever boycott the piazza medical centre (I urge you to as well).

During this time of being sick and in dental pain, I knew I wasn’t up to my standards at work and I knew they knew. Unfortunately, there wasn’t really much I could do about it. While this was the case, the feeling of “I’ve let the team down” was always washing over me and added to my ever-descending state of depression.

I’ve also been having a few not-so-enjoyable pregnancy symptoms…My indigestion has become more regular. I find that chocolate Moove helps it temporarily…I know I can take Mylanta but while I can find other alternatives, I’d much prefer to do that. My sinus problems as mentioned before are also becoming kind of frequent, and again…bugger all I can do about it. And my disgusting 14-year-old-looking skin has NOT cleared up. Turns out that not all pregnant women glow. Some end up looking like the inside of a dirty sponge and lucky me, that’s what I am! That in itself is depressing as I’ve always had almost perfect skin and now words such as ‘clearasil’ and ‘concealer’ and ‘blemishes’ have started forming in my vocabulary and sentences such as ‘eewwww what IS that?’ or ‘what happened to your face?’ have started becoming everyday conversation topics and I hate it. Its also broken out along my upper back which means as the warmth of Spring approaches, I cant wear singlet tops like I usually would…well I can, if I want to make anyone within a 50metre radius of my presence vomit!!

So yeah I have been a little down in the dumps lately and given that I can’t fall back on my usual ‘pick-me-up’ of alcoholism and drug abuse (as in medications etc) it has kinda made me a little bit negative.

However, it’s not all bad. I did have an appointment with Dr Paul and got to see the baby again, which was awesome, it waved at me :) And my belly has started growing a bit more now so when I wear tight tops I actually look a teeny bit pregnant and not so fat any more which is great!
I’m booked into the hospital for when I go into labour and am stoked to learn that all maternity rooms are PRIVATE rooms with ensuite so YAY I don’t have to share with some stranger and her annoying baby and guests. And I am also quite pleased to learn that my health fund covers about 90% of my stay there…and thank god for that too as the bill is like super massive!!

I also had my 18-19 week morphology scan last week and it was so amazing. We got to see all the bits and pieces of the baby and learnt that it is as healthy as the machines can tell and all organisms etc are working fine. AND we have seen that it has 10 perfect fingers and 2 perfect arms and hands which in terms of the thought “will my baby also be born with PS” we now know that if it DOES have PS, it is not hand affected so that’s something positive :)

Well I think that’s enough from me for now…plus its passed 3am and I'm a little tried so I shall be off, and I will leave you with a short clip of the ultrasound – as mentioned above. I cut out the boring bits (close ups of heart, kidneys etc…) and put together the best bits of the baby moving about and I added some background music so feel free to take a look here.

I’m starting to feel happier and trying harder than ever to be more positive with things so let’s hope it stays this way.

TTFN

Betty Boop xXx

Friday, July 31, 2009

Honesty, Nothing Sugar Coated.

As a teen I was picked on a lot…I went through a lot of suffering and emotional pain…as a result I developed depression.

Special doctors gave me anti-depressants and sleeping tablets…after a few months, I upped my dosses cuz they just weren’t working as well…When my mum found out she stopped me from taking them all together… That’s when I learnt that Mersyndol (nighttime strength, not that daytime crap) works just as well as a sleeping tablet…maybe even better…When my mum noticed those missing, she managed to stop me taking them too…

So for a while my emotions were all over the place…I’d have my good days and I'd have my bad days.

I eventually kicked my anti-depressant addiction and my sleeping tablet addiction, and my Mersyndol addiction (well sorta kinda…I actually just realised I can buy them myself over the counter!!).

As time went by, I eventually cured my depression…by becoming an alcoholic.

I'm not a bad drunk…or an angry drunk…I'm quite a fun drunk. I enjoy drinking quite regularly…every day usually…And I can hold my alcohol quite well. After a drunken night in a German restaurant mid last year, I learnt I can even drink my own father under the table…and he’s a big man.

In April this year I fell pregnant…I'm in my 4th month now and its going….well…its going. I haven’t had any morning sickness which has been a real plus…but I have been suffering from toothaches and dental problems for the past 2 months…It’s been forcing me to take Panadol, it is safe to take during pregnancy but I still don’t like the thought of taking anything. However, due to this dental crap I also had to have X-rays and many anesthetic needles…not fun at all.

Due to all the dental crap…I had to stop taking my vitamins…they were reacting with the anesthetic. As soon as I stopped taking them, about a month ago, I caught the flu. And for all you smart arses or hypochondriacs, it wasn’t swine flu, so get over it! I caught just a general flu, a common head cold…one that I would usually treat with over the counter meds and it’d be gone in 3-4 days.

3 and a half weeks later, I still have it!! Because I suffer from bad sinus problems, this has caused more tooth aches…Making me stressed out and paranoid that there was something else wrong with my tooth and that I would need further dental work instead of just the crown that I had been told I’d need.

Anyway, the doctor prescribed me some antibiotics to help fight this cold and I went to the dentist today and had the crown put on.

What I didn’t realise, was that when the anesthetic wore off on the tooth in question, it would be a bit sensitive…I took a big swig of icy cold water at work tonight and almost died! Because of how sensitive it actually was, it spurred on my toothache, which has not actually left me since then.

I am so fucking sick of being sick. I am sick of needing to go to the dentist. I am sick of having fucking tooth aches. I am sick of having fucking headaches. I am sick of being paranoid that every fucking thing that’s going wrong with me is going to cause problems for my baby. I am just so fucking sick of everything.

All I want to do is get drunk. Completely, 100% utterly wasted. I want to wipe myself out…It’s a favourite pastime of mine…every so often I'd get stupid girly hormones and something would upset me and I'd just wipe myself out….detox my body and soul – with a massive shit load of alcohol!!
Well guess what? Lots of things are upsetting me lately.

My skin has broken out and I look like a fucking ugly 14 year old who’s just hit puberty, I'm at the point now where unless you know I’m pregnant, I just look fat, and I am constantly in pain and can’t do a fucking thing about it. And the worst part of it all???? I HAVE BEEN SOBER FOR OVER 4 MONTHS!!! That is the longest time I have ever gone without a drink.

I just want to get drunk, crawl up into a ball and cry myself to sleep. And sleep for ages and ages and ages and then wake up to everything being OK. I just want to enjoy my pregnancy. I just want to start enjoying myself again.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

My Pregnancy Journey - 01 July 09

01-July-09

So its been a while since my last entry because, well lets face it, nothing much is happening. Early pregnancy at the moment is actually rather boring.

I am roughly 13 weeks going into my 2nd trimester now, and I have maybe the tiniest of tiny bulges on my tummy to indicate that I am still pregnant but other than that not much is going on (at least not on the surface). Over the past few days I have started to get this weird feeling inside me…sort of like a soft feather-duster brushing affect…its hard to explain but apparently that’s the baby growing and moving around in my uterus.

I've been getting a bit more indigestion lately – always at bed time (no matter what time of day it is) so I'm losing sleep, and my face is still disgusting – I look and feel like a hormonal teenager and its really quite depressing. I hope it starts to clear up soon because I am sick of wearing make-up!!

Dental Update:Turns out I probably wont be needing root canal after all, he may have saved the nerve/root (yay). Instead, I shall just be getting a crown to protect the tooth for the next however many years of my life. It is going to be extremely expensive but if it needs to be done, then I’ll do it!

That pretty much sums up what’s been happening lately. I have my next appointment with Dr Paul on the 13th (I think) so I'm sure there may be more to update after that.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

My Pregnancy Journey - 18th June

18-June-09

Well my toothache came back recently, so yesterday I made an appointment to see my regular dentist (back near home) but couldn’t get in till next Tuesday.
I was going to wait it out, but last night I was in such excruciating pain that I was forced to take Panadol. My ob/gyn said Panadol is OK but I still felt bad to my baby. Anyway, it eased the pain and I was able to get some sleep.
At about 11am this morning, I woke up in even more pain than the night before and realised I couldn’t wait another week for the dentist. So I rang the dentist across the road from my home and they were able to see me straight away.

Turns out, I’m in need of root canal – MY WORST NIGHTMARE!!! All my life, I have made damned sure I go to the dentist every 6 months when I get their little reminder note so that I have good teeth and to purposely avoid needing root canal! But just my luck, I need it anyway!!!

Well, if you think things couldn’t get any worse, 7 anesthetic needles later, I'M STILL IN PAIN!! He can’t get to the nerve to numb it so I'm left with the pain until next week when he is going to try again! In the meantime, he has injected some sort of anti-biotic to help it become more available for when he tries again.
They also sent me to radiology for an X-Ray, which scared the shit out of me because I'm pregnant, but just as the machine started spinning around my head, I got nauseas and almost passed out so then I had to be led to a room to lie down for 15 minutes to let it pass. All of this drama did not sit well with my hormones and I have been crying all morning.

Sucks to be me.

My Pregnancy Journey

Id just like to start by welcoming you to the wonderful experience I am currently having and to thank you for being part of it :)

I will be keeping a pregnancy journal for my own piece of mind but will be sharing it with Facebook & my blog so feel free to be a part of it. Because I have been pregnant for almost 3 months now, I did start my journal a while ago so this first entry will be a big one...of all previous entries rolled into one, then from here on in, each will be its own.

06-May-09On the 29th of April, I took a pregnancy test & it was positive.

Mr.J and I had decided that we would start trying after our engagement party on the 28th of March.

A few weeks later, when I constantly needed to wee, I took the test, expecting it to be negative – after all, my period wasn’t due for another week. After the first positive, I took another to confirm it.
The next day I went to the doctors where they did another urine test, which had a very faint, yet still present ‘positive’ line.
Because I detected the pregnancy so early, she said I needed to come back a week later, after my ‘period had been missed’.

So tomorrow I will be going to the doctors for a blood test to confirm that yes, I am pregnant.

05-May-09Over the past few days, I have noticed that I get a wave of nausea wash over me around 4 – 5pm & anywhere between 10pm and 12am.

I have also started becoming increasingly tired & lethargic, especially in the evenings, even if I've slept all day. Apart from those symptoms, and the still needing to wee a lot, I have no other symptoms just yet.

I have been taking the Elevit for Folic Acid and in turn, they have made me have bad tummy cramps like I need to break wind a lot.

Also today, I craved a coke (I hate coke and haven’t drank it since I was young), so I had a coke. I think it must be because coke has caffeine in it and even though I hate coke, maybe my body subconsciously thought it’d be a good way to get caffeine since I haven’t had any all week…except for the short black I had with lunch on Sunday.

My moods have also been a bit up and down…I thought it was PMS but apparently its just my hormones!

07-May09Woke up today with an urgent need to poop. By the time I got to the loo, nothing happened. Damned Folic Acid!!

Took another pregnancy test – again struggled to pee on the stick. And yes, it is still positive. It’s a faint line though, but a line is a line.

I went and had the blood test today and man did they take a lot of blood!! They also wanted to do another urine test – I did not know this was happening…and again, I could not pee in the cup! Why can I not pee on stuff?
Anyway, I get the results back tomorrow and that will check that I'm healthy inside.

08-May-09Got my results back today. I am pregnant! I also discovered my blood type is 0+ , I never knew that before. And its good to know that I don’t have Hepatitis or HIV but I do have a low immunity to Reubella and will need that shot once bubs is born. I have an ultrasound booked for 8am Monday 18th.

So far the only new symptoms I have is that I have a heightened sense of smell – certain things are smelling more obvious to me lately.
At work last night, I could smell the tomatoes inside the cans. And the night before that in the spice section, all I could smell was cinnamon…

12-May09So tonight I noticed that my boobs are getting bigger…they are huge right now and its only the beginning haha.

17-May-09Argh!! Mood Swings! Damn Hormones!

I am getting very bad mood swings and poor Mr.J is having to put up with it. For the most part he is doing OK but I have to admit, I am pretty mean sometimes.

Well, I'm entering week 7 based on the calculations of the first day of my LMP. Still trying to work out the date of conception. All the calculators online say about the 18th – which could very well be the date. I'm going for my 1st ultrasound on Monday so that should also give a clearer date of conception which will then give me a more accurate time frame as to how pregnant I actually am.

Still no morning sickness…fingers crossed!!
Will tell mum and dad after my U/S. According to TJ (sister), mum is already suss, but seems OK with the fact that I “might be” up the duff.

OH GOD – My parents will now know I'm not a virgin anymore…

23-May-09So I told my parents on Thursday. They took it well, although it still didn’t feel real to me. Sure, its more people to talk about it with but it still didn’t make it feel real. Tonight I am staying at mum and dads house and at about 11:30pm I went to the loo to pee for the five thousandth time and noticed there was blood.
It wasn’t heaps, just a bit of spotting but it was still blood! Mum said not to worry and that its perfectly normal and to just keep an eye on it and it should all be fine, but those first few moments, when I first saw the blood, that felt real. I really am pregnant, for the first time since I found out, over a month ago, it now feels real. That sense of fear, that was real.

13-June-09Well its been a while since my last entry because, well…not a lot is happening. The folic acid is still making me constipated and my appetite is still really crazy but other than that, I'm just fine and the spotting stopped.

I did have a small car accident two weeks ago but there were no injuries to me or bubs and Black Betty only has a few small scratches – more battle scars to add to the list.

I have my first appointment booked with Dr Paul (my ob/gyn) on Tuesday, which I am looking forward to. Once he has checked me out and is happy that all is going well, I will finally make it official. I will announce to everyone, anyone and no one all at the same time, that I am pregnant!

It will be so great to finally have it out in the open and be able to talk about it properly

14-June-09It seems that today is not a great day to be pregnant…or at least me.

15 minutes after going to bed at 3am, I started feeling nauseas. Haven’t felt that in about 3 or so weeks, but this time it lasted for about an hour. I eventually fell asleep shortly after 4am but then woke up at 6am with severe indigestion and heartburn. My nose then started bleeding – backwards, so I was spitting up blood. I’ve had 2 hours sleep, I’m exhausted and I think I might be getting a cold…

16-June-09 (2am)Just a few more hours to go till my appointment with Dr Paul. I’ll get to hear the hearbeat – I am sooo excited!!
Although I found out tonight that they do “internal” checks…Better wear nice undies hehe. Then once Dr Paul is happy that all is as it should be, I will finally be announcing it to the world! I AM SO EXCITED!!!
Well, better get some sleep. Tomorrow is going to be a big day

17-June-09Well we saw our little baby for the first time and it is just so cute! It has sprouted little arms and was dancing around in my belly. We have also started telling people now which is a massive relief! Its so great to make it official. We are so happy.

At the moment, I am somewhere around 10/11 weeks.
We didn’t get to hear the heartbeat but that will come with time.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Redundancy

Shortly after my last entry...yes the very (extremely) explicit one, I was freeed from that hell-hole and made redundant.

I was pissed off to begin with because after 2 and a half years of my life, I was given 10 minutes to pack some stuff and was marched out the building, that's just how they do it for security purposes, but still 10 minutes is just disgusting, I wasn't even able to go and say goodbye to anyone, or my mum!!

However, that aside it was the best thing to happen to me... not only was I free but I was also sent off with a nice little redundancy payout that allowed me to put 90% in savings and still do an extremely massive shopping spree at the same time :)

Thursday, January 29, 2009

**WARNING** This Blog May Contain Explicit Language...

FUCK!
I swear to god I seriously think I might kill someone!
I don’t know if its coincidence or not but ever since I quit smoking at the beginning of this year, over three weeks ago, I have been extremely angry - at least, more so than usual…most people who know me well, will know that I am a naturally angry person. Not all the time of course, I'm rather happy and bubbly (as we should all be aware of by now) but I do have an aggressive side if provoked (hey, you piss off a Scorpio and they will sting you!).
But lately I’ve been noticing that I am so much more angry and aggravated to the point where I am concerned for the safety of other people when I’m around.

So this year I was meant to quit smoking and cure my speed addiction however since quitting smoking I have taken to speeding a hell of a lot more, which naturally, is increasing my road rage! I wrote a blog a little while ago about speeding / road rage but never posted it as I don’t think I could be bothered at the time, but while it was true, it was light-hearted and on the funny side, but fuck that, this shit is way more serious now!

I’m finding that the tiniest things that I would usually shrug off are making my blood boil so much! I grip at the steering wheel and cuss and curse until my head is just about to explode and then I fucking floor it when the opportunity arises just so I can get the fuck away from them before I ram my car so far up the arse of theirs that I'm literally flying out their nostrils! I'm so sick if dickheads racing to cut me off only to just slow the fuck down, stop on orange lights and let other people in front of us! And now because of that I'm only too determined to make sure nobody gets in front of me because they might slow me down - and 9 out of 10 times they fucking do! I’ve noticed that I am doing anywhere between 20-40 over the limit on a constant basis and my license expired and stayed expired for two weeks because did I have any time to renew it? NO and why was that? Because I was working 5 days plus 5 nights spread out over a 7 day week and the very RARE and Few nights that I had off I couldn’t go get my licence because the RTA was shut by the time I finished my day job and the only TWO half days I had off (I say half because I had to work weekend nights as fucking well) I still couldn’t go and get my licence because the stupid RTA is only opened till 12 on Saturdays and I couldn’t fucking wake up until about 2 hours before I had to go to my night job because I had been trying to catch up on the sleep that I missed out on during the fucking week!

I don’t know what to do - I honestly think I am going to have to seek medical help and get some kind of drug or therapy to help me channel my anger and a lot of it is built up as well because I cant take it out on my friends and loved ones as its not their fault that the world is full of stupid fuckwits and I cant take it out on complete strangers cuz that falls under some kind of “intent to harm” category of the law and I most certainly…
(Argh fuck off V! I swear to god that man cannot take a fucking hint! Every fucking day he asks how I am. Now if I snap back a very sharp and brisk “FINE” then it means ‘fuck off I'm not in the mood’ especially when I am typing like a maniac because I have so many fucking thoughts in my head that are racing faster then I can fucking type and then he stands there asking if I had a good weekend and when I accidentally slip up with a “no” he wants to know why! My god it is none of your business! I don’t know you, we’re not friends, you’re just that annoying Russian guy who I cannot understand and who constantly says you’ll buy me chocolate to cheer me up but never actually follows through with it! And NOW I can’t remember what the fuck I was in the middle of typing because you fucking interrupted me when I clearly displayed the most obvious “FUCK OFF” signs in body language that you will ever see!)

On another note I am so fucking sick of coming into work every couple of days only to notice that some c*nt has been going through my fucking stuff! My draws or the shit on my desk!!!!!!!! It is fucking disgusting that someone feels that it is OK for them to go through my shit!!! And they are obviously having a good fucking look - like this morning, all the shit in my draws was completely out of place!!! I know this for two reasons. The first being that I lay everything out in order of what I use the most - obviously that stuff being at the front and at the end of every day I put my notebook and my to-do-list book on top of everything as it’s the last thing I do in my draws, well today the note book was on top of the to-do-list and there was a very old packet of pills that I had found in a first aid kit a year and a half ago that I forgot I even had so they must’ve been at the very back of my draw and they were at the front and on top! WHAT THE FUCK!!!! I am so sick of the bullshit that goes on in this place! And I know I complain about my job all the fucking time and I can understand how infuriating that is for you and I know I should leave but its not part of my plan! I just need to stick it out for a few more months until I’ve fallen pregnant and am about to burst and then I will quit this fuck-hole that some dickhead wants to call a ‘work place’! It is not a work place! I don’t know what I’d call it, but it is most certainly not a work place - maybe a slave yard…the dirty fuckers!! I have been with this shithole company for 2 and a half years! I started out as the receptionist when I was 19. I was then made redundant after a year and a half (stupid Germans) and so they moved me to a different (shitty) department where I do 5 times as much work (I got all these extra tasks associated with the new department PLUS I am still doing reception work - minus the phones) and yet I am still on the same fucking wages I was on as a 19 year old receptionist - I am now 22 how the fuck is that fair? Well I’ve decided fuck them I am only going to work at the same rate I am getting paid…and if they want to give me any extra work well they can but I can assure you I will not be going out of my way to get it done!!

FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Into the Night

Ok so I’ve just finished work and its 12:46 in the middle of the night.

I’ve spent all day being so friggen tired n now that I've just done 5 hours of hard-as work I'm wide awake but I know that I need to get some sleep as I have to get up in less than 4 hours for work at my day job!

So I figured I’d write a new blog – that might make me sleepy.

My blog is about the current situation. That being I work days AND some/most nights giving me an average of 3 – 4 hours sleep a night and Mr.J has just recently started working night shift. As most of you will know I’m scared of the dark and cant sleep alone at night (I’m sure you all remember ‘07 when Mr.J was shipped to Queensland for work for 2 weeks – I didn’t sleep at all!).
Ok so as a result of that I’m getting less sleep plus I’ve had extra hours at woollies so it’s just really hard at the moment.

Anyway when Mr.J first went on night shift it meant that I now had to learn how to be a big girl! I had to put on my big girl knickers and get over it!

The steps to becoming a big girl:

Step 1:

The first step is actually surviving being home alone at night for a full night. This does not include having to do anything else – we have to take baby steps. All this step entails is making sure nothing is broken or damaged, the place is still standing and I am alive when Mr.J walks through our front door first thing in the morning.

Result:

1 week in and each night I have managed to competently achieve step one. Awesome!!

Step 2:

Try and sleep anyway I can. That’s pretty much it – I know I can survive all night on my own so surely its got to be easier to do whilst asleep…the only problem is I have trouble sleeping on my own – I hear noises and think stupid thoughts which in turn, occupies my mind therefore preventing me from falling into a nice relaxed sleep. So the best way I know how to fall asleep is to liquor up and turn on the telly.

Result:

After lying awake for 2 hours I managed to fall asleep around 3am for the first few nights – whether I was working or not! A few nights later it went to 2am…so I’m getting an extra hour so that’s good.

Step 3:

Be comfortable to be awake and asleep with the balcony door open.I have been suffocating for the past week and a bit because while I am sleeping on the lounge and it is like 25° + each night lately I’m too scared to open the glass door to the balcony for 2 reasons; (a) I hear more noises that scare me even more and (2) I worry that someone will get in – I know we’re on the top floor but these things still happen!!

Result:

Ok well I am scaring myself just thinking about those bad things in step 3 and tonight is my first night at trialling step 3 so I probably shouldn’t scare myself. Also I picked a shit night to do it as its windy-ish and stormy-ish and the wind is making the BBQ cover make ruffling noises which makes me think there’s someone out there and the soft rain droplets that I hear every now and then on the metal rail of the balcony also scares me! Dammit! I think I’m gunna have to drink a fair bit tonight to actually fall asleep/pass out easier!

I will have to let you know if I am able to achieve my goal and complete step 3.

Step 4:

Sleeping in my own bed!
Ok so from the first few steps we’ve learnt that I’ve been sleeping on the lounge since Mr.J started nightshift but since he will be doing it for a while I need to learn to sleep in my own bed without the TV.

Result:

I won’t be able to give a result on this until I have accomplished step 3 – as I said before, baby steps! One step at a time.

Step 5:

Sleeping in my own bed, with the door to the balcony open for fresh air.

Result:

Same as result for step 4.

Anyway this is sort of scaring me a lil thinking about it, so I’m gunna mix myself another drink and maybe watch some Spongebob to occupy my mind!

Fuck! I just heard something on the balcony………….

Ok it must’ve just been a leave or something! Argh damn this!

And the hardest part is that we live in a unit so we hear everything! Especially at this time of night when everything in the town is quiet making small household noises louder…whenever anyone shuts a door, pees in the toilet, turns on a tap, farts…I hear it and cant tell where its coming from.
Its not until I’ve checked through every room with all the lights on carrying a butchers knife that I can be certain I am safe once again!

Ok so good night and if you’re awake lemme know hehe

Fingers crossed I can get some kind of sleep!

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Attack of the Stomach

More from my previous blog...

OOook so it’s been almost a week since my last cigarette (new years day 09 lol) and I don’t know if I’m being paranoid or if what I think I'm seeing is real, but I'm becoming increasingly worried that I'm slowly starting to compensate for not smoking by eating…

People say that your taste buds change after you quit - well it hasn’t been long enough and even a few years back when I quit for 6 months I still saw no difference there but there is this big hooplah about how when you quit smoking you put on weight for 2 main reasons.

  1. You replace cigarettes with food

  2. Smoking keeps your weight down

Now I know that I'm strong and I know that I can quit, cold turkey, no dramas….but if I start putting on weight, call me superficial, but I'm pretty sure I’ll take up smoking again (after having my kids of course, that being the main reason I quit in the first place) and I know that’s a terrible thing to say but it is something that’s bothering me.

For lunch today I decided I felt like subway - nice & healthy. Once I got into the restaurant I had this sudden urge to buy a foot long…I haven’t bought a foot long in over 2 years and even then the reason I bought a foot long was to have half for breakfast then half for lunch - not all at once. Then when it was my turn to be served, I asked for a foot long! (In amidst my dramatic battle in my head I do know that it could be much worse…I could’ve gone to maccas and bought 5 big macs!) Anyway so I finish ordering, get to the counter and she says “any drinks or cookies with that?” so really quickly I think “yeh I want a cookie” so I say “yes please, one chocolate and one m&m”

WHAT?? I ordered two??? Ok so I'm thinking still not THAT bad - one for the drive back to work n one for when I finish eating. Then she says “how about 3 for $2.50” so I'm like oh god “sure, surprise me!!” god dammit what is she doing to me?!?!

Whilst driving back to work, stuffing my face with cookie, I figured that there is probably no point in worrying cuz id just eaten one cookie and half of another (so I have an even amount of cookie to eat after my sub), and I normally feel extremely full and satisfied after just a 6inch sub so chances are I'm not even going to want the other half and ill eat it tonight or something.

I’ve almost finished the first half and I'm not even one teeny tiny bit full………I have a scary feeling I'm going to eat the other half and have had a full foot long for lunch - plus 3 cookies!!!

Another disturbing food-related issue.

Last night at work, after reading a comment from a friend on facebook about peppermint chocolate, I felt like a peppermint flavoured chocolate. That’s innocent enough right? So anyway, on my break I bought a peppermint crisp - I DON’T LIKE PEPPERMINT…but I ate the whole thing anyway. As well as that, for some ridiculous reason, based on a conversation from working on Sunday night, I felt like musk sticks, so I bought a bag.
Now, I don’t mind the occasional musk stick but after I had a few and started feeling sick I realised I didn’t actually feel like a whole bloody bag of them, but what worried me the most - I was holding them like cigarettes and didn’t even realise! It may just be nothing but I'm still going to try and hold it in my memory bank just incase I need to reference back to it.

Oh god I can’t stand it any longer……………I’m going to finish my sub!

Well anyway that’s my thoughts. I’m hoping its nothing and that its just coincidence but I am definitely going to keep an eye on it and if you’re ever out with me and think you may be noticing it too, feel free to tell me “No Betty. You’ve had enough cookies for one day.

Monday, January 5, 2009

An Assortment of Small Blog Tales...

Content:

¤ “New Years Resolutions” ie. Quitting smoking, wanting a better diet
¤ Trying to overcome my Speed Addiction

“New Years Resolutions”:

Ok so I wouldn’t exactly call them “New Years Resolutions” per-say, but they are in fact things I want done, in the New Year.
The first one is quitting smoking! And 5 days in, I'm still succeeding haha…Mr.J on the other hand, is not…

Since we have decided to start trying for a baby this year we decided that it’d be nice to make sure we don’t have any unhealthy chemicals etc swimming around inside our bodies…so we thought our first step is to quit smoking.
I've wanted to for a while, for health benefits but never did because I really enjoy the occasional cigarette and not only that but I've smoked for the past ten years so a lot of my daily life revolves around a smoking habit…
Get in the car - light a smoke, finish a meal - light a smoke, talk on the phone - light a smoke, have an alcoholic beverage - light a smoke, mums not at work today - light a smoke, on your lunch break - light a couple of smokes.
A lot of emotions also dictate a good time for a smoke… Got the shits - light a smoke, feeling sad - light a smoke, stressed out - light a smoke…I could go on and on but I'm sure you get the picture.

Now whenever I find myself in any of these situations I'm unsure of what to do…Last night at work on my 15 minute break…I ended up buying extra junk food to eat knowing I’d have extra time to eat it as I wasn’t outside having my usual 2 cigarettes in 10 minutes!
I do know that I most certainly do NOT want to replace cigarettes with food. Only now that I've made that promise to myself, when I do want to eat something I don’t know if that’s because I genuinely feel like eating something or because I want a smoke…although I think I will be OK at figuring that out…see on weekdays I don’t smoke at work anyway so when I feel like eating then its probably because I'm bored and at night and on weekends I will just have to watch myself more. I know that at parties and social events where large quantities of alcohol are consumed, chances are I will have a few and become one of those ‘social smokers’ but then again maybe I wont…who knows?

With the money I would usually spend a week on cigarettes I am going to be putting it away in a savings hold and that can be my ‘rewards money’…Mr.J is meant to do the same with his but since he’s still smoking I cant see that happening…although perhaps I should get him to give me the money each time he goes out to buy a packet, then if he’s paying double each time it might help him quit…


>>>>>>>>>>>>>¤<<<<<<<<<<<<<


Trying To Overcome my Speed Addiction:

Yes it’s true…I have a speed addiction. I've been consumed by it for…probably about 3 years now…maybe more. But now that I'm another year older and my life is on a pathway to another stage of my life (ie trying to become a mummy) then I think it’s about time I kicked this habit. It’s about time I grow up and start acting like a responsible young-adult. It’s about time I slow down and stick to the fucking speed limit!

In all honesty I do not know if I can do this…I know that I fluff around when getting ready and I'm always late but I don’t speed because I'm worried about being late - personally I couldn’t give a shit, I'll get there when I get there…these days I'm usually only driving to work and no where important, but even when I'm not late…I still speed…I cant stand anyone who drives slower than me and then when I over take them I speed up some more and don’t slow down because it just feels good. I love the thrill of putting my foot down and just zooming up the street, music blaring, wind in my hair, 20 sometimes even 30 over.

But that’s not the worst part of the problem…when I'm in a calm ‘cruising’ mood and don’t actually want to speed…I'm still doing ten over…that’s my definition of ‘not speeding’!! If its 60 I'll be doing 70 but if its 70 I'll be doing 80 and I think nothing of it, I don’t try to do ten over, it just happens and when I try to slow down, it doesn’t last long, I'll start creeping up on some slow arse and end up at 10/20 over again.

I know speeding is dangerous and I know I'm putting myself and others in danger by doing so and I think that’s why Mr.J has decided I need to stop speeding. So I have decided that that can be all part of the ‘New Year Mummy Plan’ thing I've got going on…and I've been fairly good…this morning I only sped 5-10 over for the first, say, 5 minutes of my trip just down the main road and the ONLY reason I did so was because if you sit in the left lane where all the slow-arses are meant to be you constantly get stuck behind a million buses and I cant stand that, but if you stay in the right lane to avoid the buses, everyone else is speeding and I know that if I go slow and do the stupid speed limit (in this case 60) then I'm going to get road rage as I mouth off at the wanker who is sitting so close to the arse of my car that if I farted he’d probably smell it! So in a bid to avoid road rage, I had to speed a little. After that though I was good for the rest of the trip.

Still To Come:

¤ Trying to find a happy medium for work whilst pregnant
¤ My Two Week Christmas/New Years Holiday
¤ And Many More…
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