Friday, July 31, 2009

Honesty, Nothing Sugar Coated.

As a teen I was picked on a lot…I went through a lot of suffering and emotional pain…as a result I developed depression.

Special doctors gave me anti-depressants and sleeping tablets…after a few months, I upped my dosses cuz they just weren’t working as well…When my mum found out she stopped me from taking them all together… That’s when I learnt that Mersyndol (nighttime strength, not that daytime crap) works just as well as a sleeping tablet…maybe even better…When my mum noticed those missing, she managed to stop me taking them too…

So for a while my emotions were all over the place…I’d have my good days and I'd have my bad days.

I eventually kicked my anti-depressant addiction and my sleeping tablet addiction, and my Mersyndol addiction (well sorta kinda…I actually just realised I can buy them myself over the counter!!).

As time went by, I eventually cured my depression…by becoming an alcoholic.

I'm not a bad drunk…or an angry drunk…I'm quite a fun drunk. I enjoy drinking quite regularly…every day usually…And I can hold my alcohol quite well. After a drunken night in a German restaurant mid last year, I learnt I can even drink my own father under the table…and he’s a big man.

In April this year I fell pregnant…I'm in my 4th month now and its going….well…its going. I haven’t had any morning sickness which has been a real plus…but I have been suffering from toothaches and dental problems for the past 2 months…It’s been forcing me to take Panadol, it is safe to take during pregnancy but I still don’t like the thought of taking anything. However, due to this dental crap I also had to have X-rays and many anesthetic needles…not fun at all.

Due to all the dental crap…I had to stop taking my vitamins…they were reacting with the anesthetic. As soon as I stopped taking them, about a month ago, I caught the flu. And for all you smart arses or hypochondriacs, it wasn’t swine flu, so get over it! I caught just a general flu, a common head cold…one that I would usually treat with over the counter meds and it’d be gone in 3-4 days.

3 and a half weeks later, I still have it!! Because I suffer from bad sinus problems, this has caused more tooth aches…Making me stressed out and paranoid that there was something else wrong with my tooth and that I would need further dental work instead of just the crown that I had been told I’d need.

Anyway, the doctor prescribed me some antibiotics to help fight this cold and I went to the dentist today and had the crown put on.

What I didn’t realise, was that when the anesthetic wore off on the tooth in question, it would be a bit sensitive…I took a big swig of icy cold water at work tonight and almost died! Because of how sensitive it actually was, it spurred on my toothache, which has not actually left me since then.

I am so fucking sick of being sick. I am sick of needing to go to the dentist. I am sick of having fucking tooth aches. I am sick of having fucking headaches. I am sick of being paranoid that every fucking thing that’s going wrong with me is going to cause problems for my baby. I am just so fucking sick of everything.

All I want to do is get drunk. Completely, 100% utterly wasted. I want to wipe myself out…It’s a favourite pastime of mine…every so often I'd get stupid girly hormones and something would upset me and I'd just wipe myself out….detox my body and soul – with a massive shit load of alcohol!!
Well guess what? Lots of things are upsetting me lately.

My skin has broken out and I look like a fucking ugly 14 year old who’s just hit puberty, I'm at the point now where unless you know I’m pregnant, I just look fat, and I am constantly in pain and can’t do a fucking thing about it. And the worst part of it all???? I HAVE BEEN SOBER FOR OVER 4 MONTHS!!! That is the longest time I have ever gone without a drink.

I just want to get drunk, crawl up into a ball and cry myself to sleep. And sleep for ages and ages and ages and then wake up to everything being OK. I just want to enjoy my pregnancy. I just want to start enjoying myself again.

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