topbella

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

A bit of toilet humour to start the day

So I figured (read hoped) that my period (that started on Friday) was finished and decided to live on the edge and just wear a liner today.

Well I've been at work half an hour and think to myself "Self - I think you were wrong and mis judged the end of your period" bugger.

And of course, my tampons are in my other handbag.

So I emailed another female in HR and asked if she could come cover for me so I could go to the bathroom and could I borrow a tampon.
A very embarrassing ask as I barely know this woman but my boss is away so I cant ask her.

Anyway, I have this silly phobia of not being able to go to the bathroom with other people present.

So of course, as I sneak into the bathroom, tampax in tow, it's just my luck that the door to the first stall be closed and occupied. Bugger.

So I sit there waiting for a while...trying to pee but nothing happens...But there's silence. So I'm guessing that this woman must've been mid #2 and I've interrupted her and she's probably waiting for me to finish so she can finish.

As I sit there begging my bladder to work, the door opens and another lady walks in.

Silence.

Eventually, the third lady starts to wee and my bladder eventually follows suit - and just as well because I'd been in there for a while doing nothing.

Female #3 finishes and leaves. I finish and leave....As I walk out to the hand washing area something catches my eye...I walk back through to the toilets and that's when I notice what I didn't notice upon my rushed entry.

The door to stall #1 is slightly ajar........there was no body in there. I'd been sitting on a toilet, afraid to pee for fear of the invisible person hearing me.....

Oh dear

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Go The Fuck to Sleep

I have recently been introduced to a fantastic book aptly titled "Go the Fuck to Sleep".

It is pure gold.

As a mother, I have had plenty of nights, curled up on the feotal position, in a dark corner somewhere, slowly tearing out my hair, screaming inside my head "GO THE FUCK TO SLEEP" and I am sure, I have many more nights like this to come.

I love this book and am going to figure out where I can buy it.

But for now, here is a reading by Samual L. Jackson. I hope you enjoy it as much as I have.

CLICK HERE: Go the Fuck to Sleep

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Forbidden (relived)

This has to be one of my favourite entries to date. I wrote it back in 2007...

Forbidden

(click above or see below)



why is it that we want what we cant have

why is it that we cant have what we want

why cant we have the best of both worlds

why do we want the best of both worlds

when She thinks of you She hates herself, but She cant stop

She wants to touch you

She wants you to touch Her

She wants you to do what you do

She wants to kiss you, She wants to feel your skin with Her mouth

She wants your magic

She wants you to see Her, She wants to see you, She wants to feel you in her, on her, around her

She wants what She cant have

She cant have what She wants

She cant have the best of both worlds

Why does She want the best of both worlds

She still hates Herself

She still cant stop

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

The Working Mum

All my life, all I have ever wanted was to become a mother. Ever since I can remember. I never wanted to travel. I never wanted a career. I was born to be a mother.


In January 2010, this dream came true when my daughter Muffin was born. I absolutely adore her and I just adore being a mother. I love everything about it.

The beginning of 2011 brought with it the beginning of some financial troubles for my family.

Everyday life was becoming a bit of a struggle, so Mr.J and I decided it would be best if I tried to find work.

When applying for jobs, I had in mind that whatever position I got, I wanted it to be with a company that I could grow and evolve with. Perhaps to one day have a career of sorts. While I do have plans to have many more children, I wanted this next job to be one that I could return to after maternity leave and continue to grow within the company.

After weeks of searching and applying and rejections, I finally landed a job as Corporate Receptionist for a big multinational company. The hours are part time so it fits in perfectly with our current work/family schedule and we’re slowly getting back on track with our finances thanks to this position.

I’ve now currently been working here for almost 4 months and I love it. It’s a great company to work for, the people are lovely and there are so many great opportunities for potential career prospects.

The only issue I have, and I knew this going in, is that I’m not actually hired by the company I work for. My position is contracted through a different company. While I do still have all the same legal entitlements as others, the downside is that when I choose to have my next child, upon completion of maternity leave, I will probably not be coming back to this company.

And that sucks!

I don’t want to be the new girl again. I certainly don’t want to be the new girl every time I have a baby and finish maternity leave. And I don’t want to always be starting out at the bottom.

I’m 24 years old. I would like to have 4 children (finances permitting). I don’t want to still be the new receptionist when I’m in my 30’s.

Within the company that I work for, there will always been other internal positions opening up and I am well within my rights to apply for them. There is nothing stopping me from applying for and possibly gaining new positions within this company that are not contracted or outsourced. And as this is something I had in mind for my long term professional goals, I’ve no problems with this.

My problems lie with the timing. If I want to have another baby soon, and I do, and if I want to stay at this company, and I do, then I need to get myself into a new position to be hired by this company in order to secure my position. Pushing my professional goals forward sooner than I’d hoped, but that’s OK. It shows initiative. However, aside from reception, I don’t think there are any other positions in this company with the same part time hours.

Also, depending on which department I went to, there may not be a flexible option for part time hours. I would most likely have to work full time.

As Muffin is getting older, I feel that it could possibly be do-able. Mr.J even mused at the thought of me working full time and him becoming a stay at home dad with a possible evening job. I entertained the idea for a while but then realised, when we do have another baby, after a year of maternity leave, I would need to come back to a full time position.

I couldn’t leave my 12 month old baby to work full time. It would just be too hard. As it was, Muffin was 13 months old when I started working here, part time, and I struggled with that for quite a while in the beginning.

The thing that bugs me the most in all of this is that there is even a question about it.

I was born to be a mother. All I ever wanted was to have babies and be a mother. I never, in a million years, would have considered possible career prospects. But I also never thought I would be working at a company that I enjoyed and that could take me places, professionally speaking.

Working here is a great opportunity and could be wonderful for myself and my family and for our future.

Financially speaking, unless we win lotto, Mr.J and I are always going to need to be working to survive and support our family, especially if we wish to have 4 children. As our children grow, I will of course be wanting to head back into the workforce and in this day and age, it’s better to always be in the game then completely out of the loop.

It’s so hard to find employment these days. The chances of a 30-40 year old mother of four, who hasn’t worked in 20 years, finding employment is going to be pretty damn tough. As it is, it took me months to land this one.

If I ceased employment with this company, due to maternity leave, the place that I am contracted with, would of course be legally bound to replace my employment with another company, but what if it’s a bad place, or one that doesn’t have any real future opportunities? I’ve worked for some pretty shitty companies before and don’t ever want to be in a dead end job again. The company I am at now not only has so many internal opportunities available, it is also such a well known company that in time, could introduce me to some wonderful connections to further my career path. It really is very promising.

I guess I just can’t believe that at this time in my life, I’m questioning motherhood versus career.

I never dreamed that I would ever be in this position before and while my heart is saying to just go with the flow, whatever will be will be, focus on having children and deal with the job stuff later in life, my head is telling me that I’d be a fool to throw away such a wonderful opportunity and I need to find a way to do both.

I guess for now whatever will be, will be. I have no idea what is going to happen in the next 12 months, career wise or family wise. I’ve no idea how things will change so I know I shouldn’t stress too much about it. But I don’t want to sit around and wait for too long and miss out on any awesome opportunities that could pass my way.

Then again, who knows, maybe I’ll get lucky and be able to have my cake and eat it too.

Friday, June 3, 2011

As a Working Mum, Am I Entitled to "Me Time" ?

I find myself asking this question because each day, I wake up at ten to 6, Muffin and I enjoy a morning boobie feed in my bed together and then I get up and get ready and go to work.

I finish at 12:45 but by the time I catch the bus and actually get home it's about 1:45.

Mr.J goes to sleep when I get home and Muffin and I spend the afternoon together.

We breast feed and play games, have a snack (and sometimes lunch if she slept through lunch time with Mr.J). We read books, have nappy changes and go for walks.

I sometimes do a load of washing and sometimes do some tidying in the kitchen, but it depends on how clingy Muffin has been on any given day.

We eat dinner around 6-ish, followed by our shower and finish our night off when I breastfeed her to sleep.

Yet even though on weekdays, I only get a mere five hours with her, I still can't help but sometimes want to squeeze in some "me time".

Like tonight for instance, Mr.J is sick at the moment so he hasn't done the grocery shopping so I felt like being lazy and cooked a frozen pizza for dinner.

Muffin was enjoying some tv time so I used this as an opportunity to sit on the kitchen floor, listen to music on my iPhone while browsing FB and BH and warm my back on the oven door while indulging in a sneaky piece (or 3) of chocolate and a glass of water.

But I don't feel bad about that. Muffin wasn't interested in playing with me and it was just nice to sit and just be still and quiet.

It did make me wonder however, if I "deserve" to take "me time" on weekdays since I don't get to spend my mornings with Muffin and I miss her terribly.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Wonderful



I close my eyes when I get too sad
I think thoughts that I know are bad
Close my eyes and I count to ten
Hope it's over when I open them


I want the things that I had before
Like a Star Wars poster on my bedroom door
I wish I could count to ten
Make everything be wonderful again


Hope my mom and I hope my dad
Will figure out why they get so mad
Hear them scream, I hear them fight
They say bad words that make me wanna cry


Close my eyes when I go to bed
And I dream of angels who make me smile
I feel better when I hear them say
Everything will be wonderful someday


Promises mean everything when you're little
And the world's so big
I just don't understand how
You can smile with all those tears in your eyes
Tell me everything is wonderful now


Please don't tell me everything is wonderful now


I go to school and I run and play
I tell the kids that it's all okay
I laugh aloud so my friends won't know
When the bell rings I just don't wanna go home


Go to my room and I close my eyes
I make believe that I have a new life
I don't believe you when you say
Everything will be wonderful someday


Promises mean everything when you're little
And the world is so big
I just don't understand how
You can smile with all those tears in your eyes
When you tell me everything is wonderful now


No, I don't wanna hear you tell me everything is wonderful now


I don't wanna hear you say
That I will understand someday
No, no, no, no
I don't wanna hear you say
You both have grown in a different way
No, no, no, no

I don't wanna meet your friends
And I don't wanna start over again
I just want my life to be the same
Just like it used to be
Some days I hate everything
I hate everything
Everyone and everything
Please don't tell me everything is wonderful now...



I don't wanna hear you tell me everything is wonderful now






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Welcome to my blog. I hope you enjoy the intricate workings of my mind as much as I do. Love Betty xXx
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