Thursday, October 4, 2007

Update on...THE PLAGUE

Well yesterday they were still on the attack in "The Battlefield" (formerly known as 'Reception') but I thought to myself "Self, don't be ridiculous! They're only moths! They can't hurt you and they will probably be gone by now" Well as you can imagine – I was wrong – AGAIN! But anyway I thought I should brave it and try and spend the day at my desk in "The Battlefield"…so I got down there, put my things on the desk, picked up the peabeau, picked up the mortein, and thank Cadbury I did – they must of heard me come in, cuz they came at me again at full force. I tried my hardest to spray at them but I was just getting too damned scared, I could no longer take it any more – especially after one nearly flew up my pants!!! I burst into tears and said they'd have to fire me if they were gunna force me to sit there!!! Mum gave me a big cuddle and agreed to swap desks with me for the day. I felt so safe in the vicinity of her office that I didn't leave it until about 2:30pm!! Now as you know I have a weak bladder and usually go to the toilet at least 10 times before 2pm but because my coffee mug was still at my desk from Tuesday (the first day of the battle) I was too scared to go get it so I hadn't had coffee for two days and I think it was starting to show-I was so lethargic yesterday (I even set our dinner table on fire - whoops)!

Anyway, so I had to leave mums office to go down to "The Battlefield" to retrieve the laminator…I got about 3 steps down when I broke out into a sweat I was absolutely terrified to my very core. Anyway I survived – only one flew at me before I bolted back up to the sanctuary that is mums office.

Now in all seriousness, I know it is a completely irrational fear. I know that they cannot hurt me, I know that I am like 17 times bigger then them – maybe even more, but when I'm down there, or near them and they are hiding and fluttering around and creeping up from behind me yelling rude words in my ear as they chase me around my desk I just cannot control my fear. I break out into a sweat and I burst into tears – it really is the worst feeling in the world and it makes me feel like a mental case.

I was worried for a while as I felt that this could be something that keeps me house bound – too afraid to venture out into the unknown (formerly known as 'outdoors') but as I was discussing this with mum she did inform me that this is in fact a plague, not sent down by God in his wrath of fury against me – much to my predictions, but that they will die off in a few days and life will go back to normal. Of course there will be normal moths flying around here and there but they're not too bad…they just sit in one place and don't torment me and they die straight away when you spray them – unlike these bogons that are still flying around after you've drowned them in a quarter of a can…(don't ask me how I know that…)

So anyway this morning, I get to work, go to eat my breakfast in mums office like I do every day, I open the door and there's one flying around in there. Oh man! Anyway it must have flown out cuz it was gone after a while – don't worry I did a thorough search. I decided to stay in mums office again for today – just to be on the safe side, and thank Cadbury I did! It turns out that mum was attacked by THREE today…One flew at her head from the side (getting her while she wasn't looking) and pushed her off her chair (honest to God that happened), another flew behind the computer monitor and then burst out and up into her face when she was trying to find it and another flew up her pants leg!!!!!!!!!!

Can you imagine if I had decided to sit in "The Battlefield" today and that happened to me? I would've been naked – or at least stripped to my lingerie in like 5 seconds and I would've screamed soooo loud that everyone would've thought it was the fire alarm going off!!! Holy cow!

I tell ya, they're sneaky bastards – conniving and tricky!!! We'll have to do another thorough search on Monday before I decide to sit anywhere….who knows what could happen…

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

THE PLAGUE - God Must Hate Me...

OH MY GOD... What have I done to deserve this?

It all started as a normal morning, I got to work, had my breakfast upstairs in mum's office, then sat down at my desk preparing for a nice, normal day of work.

I had been sitting at my desk for all of 5 minutes when it started...THE PLAGUE...

I saw something outside that caught my attention so I walked over to the front door to take a look when inside the building on the floor next to the door I saw a half dead moth flailing around...Now just a quick update for those of you that don't know me – I HATE MOTHS...I am absolutely petrified of them!!!!! So anyway that moth was half dead so I knew it wasn't going to attack me so I quickly got my spray (I always keep it close by) and I drowned the bastard.

After I was certain it was dead, I had forgotten what I originally wanted to see outside so I started walking back towards my desk...when I saw it – ANOTHER MOTH!!! And this one was a biggen! So I ran to my desk and called answer, so I called she came like a trooper! I gave her the spray and as she was killing that one, I saw another one fly around her and hide in the plant.....I had been taking a phone call at the time so couldn't call out to her to warn her and then by the time I got off the phone it was hiding somewhere and so we assumed it dead from all the fumes in the air as a result of all the mortein. Thanking Ms.A, I noticed that my can was getting a little low on poison so I gave mums phone another call to ask her to bring me some from stock. She still wasn't answering but just as I was hanging up I saw another moth! I wasn't sure if it was the same one or another one so I just sprayed at it for me to do this is pretty tough – im so scared and for some reason when im trying to kill them they fly at me on the attack!!! As I could no longer get through to Ms.A I had to do it myself....just then, the phone rang...."holy shit" I thought, "im going to have to talk to someone in a calm voice and be off my guard..." luckily, it was only mum.... "You called me twice, what did you want?" "There's another moth mum.......and bring more spray!!!!!"

By this stage I was starting to panic! I had just fought off 2 killer moths by myself, Ms.A had killed one for me and then all of a sudden an ugly looking cockroach was starting to crawl under the front door!!!"

WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING TO THIS PLACE?" I screamed...I was getting really hot under the collar and a lil sweaty around the arm pits but I kept my cool because mum came to the rescue....

But just when I thought it was Ok...just when I thought mum would kill this moth and I could go back to normal....I WAS WRONG....Another 5 just suddenly appeared out of no where! And they were big fuckers – angry too!! So there's mum standing near the coffee table and lounges with a can of Pea Beau, im standing between my desk and the stairs with my can of Mortein and they're coming at us left right and centre....I was so freaking scared I couldn't take it any more.....Just as I went to bolt up the stairs Handy Man came in, saw all the commotion and offered to help. Handy Man was killing em with his bare hands – it really was a battlefield....for every one that we killed another 2 or 3 would appear.

We killed off about 30 – 40 (and im not exaggerating) and it seemed as though the coast was clear...but every time I tried to calm down and sit back at my desk one or two would appear.............I was soooo scared and I got really hot and sweaty I was that scared! I couldn't stay there, it was just was like the calm before the storm.......Mum and/or Handy Man or whoever was on Moth Patrol with me would leave – trying to get some of their work done, I would stand there with the pea beau trying to calm myself down....telling myself that we killed them all and that it was all OK, I would finally reach a centre of calm within myself, start slowly walking to the desk to sit back down when they would come out again!

Honestly – I can only think of 3 explanations for this!

  1. They had an army waiting inside and outside the fort waiting for me to be alone and let my guard down.
  2. They were robot moths and didn't die and we were just trying to kill about 30 of the same creatures

I honestly feel it's the latter....but why? Why god why? I was so terrified...I felt so physically sick I thought I was going to vomit....

I went upstairs to Boss and I just said "I can't take this any more. I need to sit somewhere else or im going to have to go home" I was in tears and I couldn't breathe. I have scratches all over my neck and arms from where I was just freaking was fucking terrible.

So Boss organised for the IT guy to set up my account on someone else's computer (while she's on leave) and I transferred the phones to this desk...I am now no where near reception or the killer moths....I feel much better now – although after all this excitement I am a little worn out and have a bit of a headache but hopefully I should be OK...for now.....

One thing I am worried about though is tomorrow....What happens now that I am not there to protect my office – those moths will start accumulating and hanging out in reception, I wont know they're there so they wont be killed and they'll hide there till I arrive at work tomorrow and they'll attack while im un prepared...Because of my bad memory I will probably have forgotten all about it by the time I arrive tomorrow.....although you know what? Somehow I don't think I will forget....It was pretty terrible... I just need to suppress this memory and try to move on with my life and hope to god that I do not need to go into battle again tomorrow.

I may need to get another job if this keeps up – one that is secure from creatures of the outside world.....................
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