topbella

Thursday, January 29, 2009

**WARNING** This Blog May Contain Explicit Language...

FUCK!
I swear to god I seriously think I might kill someone!
I don’t know if its coincidence or not but ever since I quit smoking at the beginning of this year, over three weeks ago, I have been extremely angry - at least, more so than usual…most people who know me well, will know that I am a naturally angry person. Not all the time of course, I'm rather happy and bubbly (as we should all be aware of by now) but I do have an aggressive side if provoked (hey, you piss off a Scorpio and they will sting you!).
But lately I’ve been noticing that I am so much more angry and aggravated to the point where I am concerned for the safety of other people when I’m around.

So this year I was meant to quit smoking and cure my speed addiction however since quitting smoking I have taken to speeding a hell of a lot more, which naturally, is increasing my road rage! I wrote a blog a little while ago about speeding / road rage but never posted it as I don’t think I could be bothered at the time, but while it was true, it was light-hearted and on the funny side, but fuck that, this shit is way more serious now!

I’m finding that the tiniest things that I would usually shrug off are making my blood boil so much! I grip at the steering wheel and cuss and curse until my head is just about to explode and then I fucking floor it when the opportunity arises just so I can get the fuck away from them before I ram my car so far up the arse of theirs that I'm literally flying out their nostrils! I'm so sick if dickheads racing to cut me off only to just slow the fuck down, stop on orange lights and let other people in front of us! And now because of that I'm only too determined to make sure nobody gets in front of me because they might slow me down - and 9 out of 10 times they fucking do! I’ve noticed that I am doing anywhere between 20-40 over the limit on a constant basis and my license expired and stayed expired for two weeks because did I have any time to renew it? NO and why was that? Because I was working 5 days plus 5 nights spread out over a 7 day week and the very RARE and Few nights that I had off I couldn’t go get my licence because the RTA was shut by the time I finished my day job and the only TWO half days I had off (I say half because I had to work weekend nights as fucking well) I still couldn’t go and get my licence because the stupid RTA is only opened till 12 on Saturdays and I couldn’t fucking wake up until about 2 hours before I had to go to my night job because I had been trying to catch up on the sleep that I missed out on during the fucking week!

I don’t know what to do - I honestly think I am going to have to seek medical help and get some kind of drug or therapy to help me channel my anger and a lot of it is built up as well because I cant take it out on my friends and loved ones as its not their fault that the world is full of stupid fuckwits and I cant take it out on complete strangers cuz that falls under some kind of “intent to harm” category of the law and I most certainly…
(Argh fuck off V! I swear to god that man cannot take a fucking hint! Every fucking day he asks how I am. Now if I snap back a very sharp and brisk “FINE” then it means ‘fuck off I'm not in the mood’ especially when I am typing like a maniac because I have so many fucking thoughts in my head that are racing faster then I can fucking type and then he stands there asking if I had a good weekend and when I accidentally slip up with a “no” he wants to know why! My god it is none of your business! I don’t know you, we’re not friends, you’re just that annoying Russian guy who I cannot understand and who constantly says you’ll buy me chocolate to cheer me up but never actually follows through with it! And NOW I can’t remember what the fuck I was in the middle of typing because you fucking interrupted me when I clearly displayed the most obvious “FUCK OFF” signs in body language that you will ever see!)

On another note I am so fucking sick of coming into work every couple of days only to notice that some c*nt has been going through my fucking stuff! My draws or the shit on my desk!!!!!!!! It is fucking disgusting that someone feels that it is OK for them to go through my shit!!! And they are obviously having a good fucking look - like this morning, all the shit in my draws was completely out of place!!! I know this for two reasons. The first being that I lay everything out in order of what I use the most - obviously that stuff being at the front and at the end of every day I put my notebook and my to-do-list book on top of everything as it’s the last thing I do in my draws, well today the note book was on top of the to-do-list and there was a very old packet of pills that I had found in a first aid kit a year and a half ago that I forgot I even had so they must’ve been at the very back of my draw and they were at the front and on top! WHAT THE FUCK!!!! I am so sick of the bullshit that goes on in this place! And I know I complain about my job all the fucking time and I can understand how infuriating that is for you and I know I should leave but its not part of my plan! I just need to stick it out for a few more months until I’ve fallen pregnant and am about to burst and then I will quit this fuck-hole that some dickhead wants to call a ‘work place’! It is not a work place! I don’t know what I’d call it, but it is most certainly not a work place - maybe a slave yard…the dirty fuckers!! I have been with this shithole company for 2 and a half years! I started out as the receptionist when I was 19. I was then made redundant after a year and a half (stupid Germans) and so they moved me to a different (shitty) department where I do 5 times as much work (I got all these extra tasks associated with the new department PLUS I am still doing reception work - minus the phones) and yet I am still on the same fucking wages I was on as a 19 year old receptionist - I am now 22 how the fuck is that fair? Well I’ve decided fuck them I am only going to work at the same rate I am getting paid…and if they want to give me any extra work well they can but I can assure you I will not be going out of my way to get it done!!

FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Into the Night

Ok so I’ve just finished work and its 12:46 in the middle of the night.

I’ve spent all day being so friggen tired n now that I've just done 5 hours of hard-as work I'm wide awake but I know that I need to get some sleep as I have to get up in less than 4 hours for work at my day job!

So I figured I’d write a new blog – that might make me sleepy.

My blog is about the current situation. That being I work days AND some/most nights giving me an average of 3 – 4 hours sleep a night and Mr.J has just recently started working night shift. As most of you will know I’m scared of the dark and cant sleep alone at night (I’m sure you all remember ‘07 when Mr.J was shipped to Queensland for work for 2 weeks – I didn’t sleep at all!).
Ok so as a result of that I’m getting less sleep plus I’ve had extra hours at woollies so it’s just really hard at the moment.

Anyway when Mr.J first went on night shift it meant that I now had to learn how to be a big girl! I had to put on my big girl knickers and get over it!

The steps to becoming a big girl:

Step 1:

The first step is actually surviving being home alone at night for a full night. This does not include having to do anything else – we have to take baby steps. All this step entails is making sure nothing is broken or damaged, the place is still standing and I am alive when Mr.J walks through our front door first thing in the morning.

Result:

1 week in and each night I have managed to competently achieve step one. Awesome!!

Step 2:

Try and sleep anyway I can. That’s pretty much it – I know I can survive all night on my own so surely its got to be easier to do whilst asleep…the only problem is I have trouble sleeping on my own – I hear noises and think stupid thoughts which in turn, occupies my mind therefore preventing me from falling into a nice relaxed sleep. So the best way I know how to fall asleep is to liquor up and turn on the telly.

Result:

After lying awake for 2 hours I managed to fall asleep around 3am for the first few nights – whether I was working or not! A few nights later it went to 2am…so I’m getting an extra hour so that’s good.

Step 3:

Be comfortable to be awake and asleep with the balcony door open.I have been suffocating for the past week and a bit because while I am sleeping on the lounge and it is like 25° + each night lately I’m too scared to open the glass door to the balcony for 2 reasons; (a) I hear more noises that scare me even more and (2) I worry that someone will get in – I know we’re on the top floor but these things still happen!!

Result:

Ok well I am scaring myself just thinking about those bad things in step 3 and tonight is my first night at trialling step 3 so I probably shouldn’t scare myself. Also I picked a shit night to do it as its windy-ish and stormy-ish and the wind is making the BBQ cover make ruffling noises which makes me think there’s someone out there and the soft rain droplets that I hear every now and then on the metal rail of the balcony also scares me! Dammit! I think I’m gunna have to drink a fair bit tonight to actually fall asleep/pass out easier!

I will have to let you know if I am able to achieve my goal and complete step 3.

Step 4:

Sleeping in my own bed!
Ok so from the first few steps we’ve learnt that I’ve been sleeping on the lounge since Mr.J started nightshift but since he will be doing it for a while I need to learn to sleep in my own bed without the TV.

Result:

I won’t be able to give a result on this until I have accomplished step 3 – as I said before, baby steps! One step at a time.

Step 5:

Sleeping in my own bed, with the door to the balcony open for fresh air.

Result:

Same as result for step 4.

Anyway this is sort of scaring me a lil thinking about it, so I’m gunna mix myself another drink and maybe watch some Spongebob to occupy my mind!

Fuck! I just heard something on the balcony………….

Ok it must’ve just been a leave or something! Argh damn this!

And the hardest part is that we live in a unit so we hear everything! Especially at this time of night when everything in the town is quiet making small household noises louder…whenever anyone shuts a door, pees in the toilet, turns on a tap, farts…I hear it and cant tell where its coming from.
Its not until I’ve checked through every room with all the lights on carrying a butchers knife that I can be certain I am safe once again!

Ok so good night and if you’re awake lemme know hehe

Fingers crossed I can get some kind of sleep!

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Attack of the Stomach

More from my previous blog...

OOook so it’s been almost a week since my last cigarette (new years day 09 lol) and I don’t know if I’m being paranoid or if what I think I'm seeing is real, but I'm becoming increasingly worried that I'm slowly starting to compensate for not smoking by eating…

People say that your taste buds change after you quit - well it hasn’t been long enough and even a few years back when I quit for 6 months I still saw no difference there but there is this big hooplah about how when you quit smoking you put on weight for 2 main reasons.

  1. You replace cigarettes with food

  2. Smoking keeps your weight down

Now I know that I'm strong and I know that I can quit, cold turkey, no dramas….but if I start putting on weight, call me superficial, but I'm pretty sure I’ll take up smoking again (after having my kids of course, that being the main reason I quit in the first place) and I know that’s a terrible thing to say but it is something that’s bothering me.

For lunch today I decided I felt like subway - nice & healthy. Once I got into the restaurant I had this sudden urge to buy a foot long…I haven’t bought a foot long in over 2 years and even then the reason I bought a foot long was to have half for breakfast then half for lunch - not all at once. Then when it was my turn to be served, I asked for a foot long! (In amidst my dramatic battle in my head I do know that it could be much worse…I could’ve gone to maccas and bought 5 big macs!) Anyway so I finish ordering, get to the counter and she says “any drinks or cookies with that?” so really quickly I think “yeh I want a cookie” so I say “yes please, one chocolate and one m&m”

WHAT?? I ordered two??? Ok so I'm thinking still not THAT bad - one for the drive back to work n one for when I finish eating. Then she says “how about 3 for $2.50” so I'm like oh god “sure, surprise me!!” god dammit what is she doing to me?!?!

Whilst driving back to work, stuffing my face with cookie, I figured that there is probably no point in worrying cuz id just eaten one cookie and half of another (so I have an even amount of cookie to eat after my sub), and I normally feel extremely full and satisfied after just a 6inch sub so chances are I'm not even going to want the other half and ill eat it tonight or something.

I’ve almost finished the first half and I'm not even one teeny tiny bit full………I have a scary feeling I'm going to eat the other half and have had a full foot long for lunch - plus 3 cookies!!!

Another disturbing food-related issue.

Last night at work, after reading a comment from a friend on facebook about peppermint chocolate, I felt like a peppermint flavoured chocolate. That’s innocent enough right? So anyway, on my break I bought a peppermint crisp - I DON’T LIKE PEPPERMINT…but I ate the whole thing anyway. As well as that, for some ridiculous reason, based on a conversation from working on Sunday night, I felt like musk sticks, so I bought a bag.
Now, I don’t mind the occasional musk stick but after I had a few and started feeling sick I realised I didn’t actually feel like a whole bloody bag of them, but what worried me the most - I was holding them like cigarettes and didn’t even realise! It may just be nothing but I'm still going to try and hold it in my memory bank just incase I need to reference back to it.

Oh god I can’t stand it any longer……………I’m going to finish my sub!

Well anyway that’s my thoughts. I’m hoping its nothing and that its just coincidence but I am definitely going to keep an eye on it and if you’re ever out with me and think you may be noticing it too, feel free to tell me “No Betty. You’ve had enough cookies for one day.

Monday, January 5, 2009

An Assortment of Small Blog Tales...

Content:

¤ “New Years Resolutions” ie. Quitting smoking, wanting a better diet
¤ Trying to overcome my Speed Addiction

“New Years Resolutions”:

Ok so I wouldn’t exactly call them “New Years Resolutions” per-say, but they are in fact things I want done, in the New Year.
The first one is quitting smoking! And 5 days in, I'm still succeeding haha…Mr.J on the other hand, is not…

Since we have decided to start trying for a baby this year we decided that it’d be nice to make sure we don’t have any unhealthy chemicals etc swimming around inside our bodies…so we thought our first step is to quit smoking.
I've wanted to for a while, for health benefits but never did because I really enjoy the occasional cigarette and not only that but I've smoked for the past ten years so a lot of my daily life revolves around a smoking habit…
Get in the car - light a smoke, finish a meal - light a smoke, talk on the phone - light a smoke, have an alcoholic beverage - light a smoke, mums not at work today - light a smoke, on your lunch break - light a couple of smokes.
A lot of emotions also dictate a good time for a smoke… Got the shits - light a smoke, feeling sad - light a smoke, stressed out - light a smoke…I could go on and on but I'm sure you get the picture.

Now whenever I find myself in any of these situations I'm unsure of what to do…Last night at work on my 15 minute break…I ended up buying extra junk food to eat knowing I’d have extra time to eat it as I wasn’t outside having my usual 2 cigarettes in 10 minutes!
I do know that I most certainly do NOT want to replace cigarettes with food. Only now that I've made that promise to myself, when I do want to eat something I don’t know if that’s because I genuinely feel like eating something or because I want a smoke…although I think I will be OK at figuring that out…see on weekdays I don’t smoke at work anyway so when I feel like eating then its probably because I'm bored and at night and on weekends I will just have to watch myself more. I know that at parties and social events where large quantities of alcohol are consumed, chances are I will have a few and become one of those ‘social smokers’ but then again maybe I wont…who knows?

With the money I would usually spend a week on cigarettes I am going to be putting it away in a savings hold and that can be my ‘rewards money’…Mr.J is meant to do the same with his but since he’s still smoking I cant see that happening…although perhaps I should get him to give me the money each time he goes out to buy a packet, then if he’s paying double each time it might help him quit…


>>>>>>>>>>>>>¤<<<<<<<<<<<<<


Trying To Overcome my Speed Addiction:

Yes it’s true…I have a speed addiction. I've been consumed by it for…probably about 3 years now…maybe more. But now that I'm another year older and my life is on a pathway to another stage of my life (ie trying to become a mummy) then I think it’s about time I kicked this habit. It’s about time I grow up and start acting like a responsible young-adult. It’s about time I slow down and stick to the fucking speed limit!

In all honesty I do not know if I can do this…I know that I fluff around when getting ready and I'm always late but I don’t speed because I'm worried about being late - personally I couldn’t give a shit, I'll get there when I get there…these days I'm usually only driving to work and no where important, but even when I'm not late…I still speed…I cant stand anyone who drives slower than me and then when I over take them I speed up some more and don’t slow down because it just feels good. I love the thrill of putting my foot down and just zooming up the street, music blaring, wind in my hair, 20 sometimes even 30 over.

But that’s not the worst part of the problem…when I'm in a calm ‘cruising’ mood and don’t actually want to speed…I'm still doing ten over…that’s my definition of ‘not speeding’!! If its 60 I'll be doing 70 but if its 70 I'll be doing 80 and I think nothing of it, I don’t try to do ten over, it just happens and when I try to slow down, it doesn’t last long, I'll start creeping up on some slow arse and end up at 10/20 over again.

I know speeding is dangerous and I know I'm putting myself and others in danger by doing so and I think that’s why Mr.J has decided I need to stop speeding. So I have decided that that can be all part of the ‘New Year Mummy Plan’ thing I've got going on…and I've been fairly good…this morning I only sped 5-10 over for the first, say, 5 minutes of my trip just down the main road and the ONLY reason I did so was because if you sit in the left lane where all the slow-arses are meant to be you constantly get stuck behind a million buses and I cant stand that, but if you stay in the right lane to avoid the buses, everyone else is speeding and I know that if I go slow and do the stupid speed limit (in this case 60) then I'm going to get road rage as I mouth off at the wanker who is sitting so close to the arse of my car that if I farted he’d probably smell it! So in a bid to avoid road rage, I had to speed a little. After that though I was good for the rest of the trip.

Still To Come:

¤ Trying to find a happy medium for work whilst pregnant
¤ My Two Week Christmas/New Years Holiday
¤ And Many More…
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