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Friday, August 21, 2015

Why does sex become a chore?

Why does sex become a chore in long term relationships?

I get it, life gets in the way, there is housework and work-work and parenthood and we're tired and need rest. But all those things exist in the beginning too...

Kids may not exist in the beginning for all couples and so that adjustment and change in lifestyle can play a big part in it.

But life, in all its aspects, is ALWAYS happening....You still have to do all those things at the start of a relationship when the sex drive is high. So why do these things suddenly become the reason the sex drive lacks?

Lack of sex in a relationship causes so many problems, fights, hurt for many couples. Usually the most common case is the woman is tired and the man is horny. You hear stories of how the woman is upset because the man does nothing around the house/with the kids, both have to work, but the woman works and does the parenting and the housework and is therefore tired at the end of the day while the husband has worked, come home, rested, played with the kids in the house that the wife tidied, eaten a meal that his wife cooked, and chilled out watching tv and probably fantasising about sex while his wife cleaned the kitchen.
The minute the wife stops, the husband wants sex. She doesn't. A fight erupts. Or not a fight but guilt-inducing mean comments and sulking from the husband and hurtful, unwarranted "guilt" for the wife.

It's easy as a woman to say "well if he did more around the house then I would want it more" and its easy for a man to say "I wish she would make time for me". It's easy to place blame on each other.

However, I don't think it is a case of "blame"...or rather, I don't think it should be a blame game at all. I think the problem and the solution lie with both parties.

I think regardless of gender or job, the housework and parental duties should be shared by both partners. You both have to work; you both have to raise the kids, so you BOTH have to do housework and cooking.
Men - Don't do it because you think you'll score brownie points for sex. Women - Don't do it to use as a weapon against him "well I'm too tired to have sex because I did all the housework today".
Do it because it needs to be done and its one less thing your other half has to do that day so you can both enjoy some down time together.

On the other side of the spectrum, I think you have to find a way to keep the sex drive healthy. I think it is important. Of course sex isn't the be-all and end-all of a relationship but it is obviously a very important part and it is something that is a high priority in the early stages of relationships.

I was in a long term relationship for 9 years and the sex drive for me definitely deteriorated in the last few years after having a baby...but it wasn't the baby that caused it. To put it plainly and simply, I had fallen out of love with my fiancé and no longer wanted to have sex with him.
Of course at the time, I didn't know that...in fact it took me the best part of our last 2 years to realise this and admit it to myself and I am sure somewhere along the way, he fell out of love with me also.

But after separating, if I received any attention from others in a flirty nature, it invoked that sexual urge I once had. It wasn't that I had lost my sex drive and life got in the way and I just was too tired to have sex with my fiancé, it was because I didn't WANT to have sex with HIM....I wanted sex...just not with him.
This is probably true for a lot of couples that have been together for what feels like forever and are stuck in the mundane, boring routine of what they think is "life", and so excuses such as housework and lethargy are thrown around for not wanting sex when there is probably a deeper, underlying issue.

I'm not saying this is true for everyone - everybody has a different sex drive to everybody else and some people do have little - no sex drive. But I am not talking about those people...I am talking about the people who do have a normal sex drive but have lost it over time...it is probably simply misplaced.

In the early stages of a relationship, you can't get enough of each other and you make time to have sex. You choose to put other lifestyle priorities on hold, just to have sex.

*We were going to go out for lunch but stayed home and had sex on the lounge room floor instead so we ordered take out and watched a movie after a long, hot shower together to clean up
*I need to leave by 8am to be at work on time...Oops we had an early morning quickie and I was half an hour late, oh well
*I'm soooo tired after a long day of working and living, I can't wait to flop into bed and fall asleep....but I just want to run my hands all over my partners body and see where it leads...yep we had sex and fell asleep at midnight and now I'll be tired for work tomorrow....totallyworthit!!
*Can't wait to rip off my bra and put my PJ's on when I get home, but oh my ass looks good in this G-string so I'll send a sexy snap to my lover to have something to think about when I see him next

Sound familiar? These are just a few tiny examples of times we've CHOSEN to put life on hold to have sex with our partner....WHY do we let LIFE suddenly become the priority?

*no not tonight honey, I'm soooo tired
*no, put your pants back on we're going to be LATE!
*I have to get up early for work tomorrow ok so just go jerk off in the shower or something and let me sleep

No, no, no!!

If you want to keep the sex drive high, you have to keep making it a priority. You have to keep making time for your partner and more importantly FOR YOURSELF to have this intimate sexy time. The more you have, the more you'll want. It's scientific fact. Its about finding the right balance of work, life, love. Keep sending your partner sexy lingerie selfies if you know he loves it. Help each other with the housework and the chores and the kids. Keep your own sexual enjoyment high by continuing to make it a priority during the entirety of your relationship.

If the sex drive has completely gone for your other half, find out why...it may not just simply be because life got in the way and you're too tired...
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