Monday, July 16, 2007

How We Nearly Died for Half a Cow

I'm hoping for this one to be a short one but im not making any promises!
On Saturday, Mr.J and I were just going to stay at home and have a few drinks together and just hang out like we used to in the old days but his mate, B, called n said his parents were out of town and his brother and sister were coming to visit and did we wanna go over for a piss up…So we went and I have to be honest, I was a little worried at first…well, not so much worried but more that I thought it mighta been a bit weird. See S, B's twin sister used to date Mr.J back in the day before I came on the scene…But they only dated for a few weeks and it was all fine. She's engaged now anyway and they have two kids and whatever so all is good.

So we were all sittin round by the fire drinking and talking shit as you do when your drunk - although for some reason I did not feel like drinking - I think I only had about 6 or 7 drinks in the whole night (and it was a long one). Actually I think I know the reason why. I was making margaritas but not the normal way...just the cheat way with Margarita Mix instead of cointreau but because the margarita mix is a non-alcoholic mix…it was very sweet - too sweet in fact so I only had two before I got sick of em! After that, the only thing left to drink was my daddy's home made bourbon that Mr.J was drinking so I had some of that, only I don't really like coke so after 3 or 4 of them I was kinda over it so I just drank water!

Anyway at some stage through the night S and her beau and their friend were going for a drive to maccas, so I went along for the trip, and S and B's older brother decided that he wanted us to get him a burger…he wanted a FULL POUNDER!!!!!!!! I mean does this even exist? They have the quarter pounder and the half pounder - more commonly known as the 'double quarter pounder' but a full pounder? Wtf is that? Well if you really wanna know…It's four meat patties and eight slices of cheese on a burger bun with extra pickles and sauce and all the other crap they put on a pounder-of some kind.

So we get into maccas, two drunk girls, one semi drunk girl and a sober guy (guess who was drivin? Haha) and we order this "full pounder". It took them just under 5 minutes to make it, it cost over ten dollars (just for the burger-nothing else) and it was HALF A KILO OF MEAT! That's like a fucking baby cow or something! We should've just gotten him a spit roast and a really long baguette! Anyway this thing was fucking huge…and so totally disgusting! He ended up eating it all - he then disappeared shortly after that and we didn't see him for the rest of the night….No, the burger did not kill him - we think it may have made him a little sick though!…


On the way home, with the beastly burger on my lap, we were driving along and I was telling a story, presumably funny - although I now cannot remember what that story was, because as I was halfway through, I was looking at T-the girl next to me, and S, who was in the front seat (both girls on the passenger side of the car - I was behind the driver) so I was sort of looking at them both while talking when I saw it. Something BIGGER than the Full Pounder (believe it or not) crawl across the window next to S's head. At first I wasn't sure if it was inside the car or not and I didn't want to freak everyone out…so anyway I just sort of went silent…my mouth opened wide, I covered it slowly with my hand…I couldn't stop staring at it. I had to be sure it was NOT in the car…meanwhile, W is waiting for me to finish my story and T-the girl next to me is wondering what the hells wrong with me…All I could do was say "S, get in the back. Take off your seatbelt and GET IN THE BACK!?"

I just point and they see it….a GINORMOUS huntsman, as I said, almost TWICE THE SIZE of the FULL POUNDER , crawling across the window, right next to S's head…and Guess What?

IT WAS INSIDE THE CAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


So S stumbled in the back - managed not to spill one drop of her sundae (very impressive) we three girls are sitting in the back carrying-on n freaking out, W has leant over n punched it against the glass (while driving still) I was about to jump out cuz it sorta flew off the window and we weren't sure where it went, and then just as we've gone to go around the corner at a set of traffic lights, W found it again on the passenger seat - the car is still in motion, we're turning the corner, and he's trying to thump it, but then we lost it again! So the whole car ride was a squishy giggly ride back, T needed to wee and was trying not to wet herself, S was making sure she doesn't drip chocolate fudge everywhere and I'm trying not to squash this huge fucking burger between my legs - we all had our legs up incase the massive spider crawled under the seat and tried to eat our feet!!!!!!!!

Anyway, we got back safely, and the spider was never to be seen again…

But if I was S or W, I would always check the car before I get in…the spider we (hopefully) killed was just a baby….there will be an angry mummy somewhere waiting for revenge..........

DUM DUM DAAAH *scary music*

Thursday, July 12, 2007

My Terrifying Ordeal

I think I can say that my Thursday morning started off on the worst possible foot ever!! In fact…I wouldn't even call it a foot! Oh god…it was so terrible…I shall start from where it all began……………….

*sparkly, pretty, twinkley, flashback music*
It all started last night. Mr.J hasn't been feeling the best lately so I went shopping on my own. And so that my house keys were not seen through my car windows I hide them in a little secret compartment that I have in my car…

Anyhow, I finished shopping headed home, Josh met me in the carpark, we took the shopping up, locked up, had dinner n went to bed.

So Mr.J gets up pretty early for work and he was gone by about 4:30 / 5 o clock this morning. So after I'd had my shower, packed some things for food for the day and put my shoes on ready to leave…I remembered that as there were no visitor bays left in the car park last night - I parked in our garage. So I thought to myself "well better make sure I've got the house keys ready" this is because the garage key-where my car is-is on the same key ring.

After a few seconds of failed searching I started to panic. I couldn't find my house keys….the longer it took me to look meant the later I got to work and the later I get to work means less time I have to go to the shops, buy what I need to buy for breakfast and lunch and be at work on time. So you can just imagine me frantically searching the bags and the kitchen for my house keys when all of a sudden it dawned on me. I started remembering what I had done the night before…my house keys were still locked tightly away in my secret compartment in my car…HOLY CRAP!

My keys were locked in the car which was locked in the garage that I did not have access to because my garage key is on the key ring for my house keys which are locked in my secret compartment in my car which is locked in the garage which I don't have access to because………………

And as you can see I FREAKED OUT!!! This has been one of my worst home-related nightmares since Mr.J and I moved in together. And I have always joked that it'd be cool if it happened because then I could have the day off work BUT I COULDN'T!!! Mum (whom we all know works with me and is my back up for me being away) IS IN BANG COCK! SO I HAD TO GO TO WORK….But how? Oh god…just thinking about it frightens me - it was just terrible…I rang my boss who lives about half way to my work and told her the 'situation'. She said if I could….*headspin* CATCH A BUS, she could pick me up and take me to work with her……oh god…I feel faint right now….You see the thing is, I don't do public transport…and the other thing is, I have never EVER in my life caught a bus on my own……IT WAS SO SCARY!

Ok so I rang this transport information line to find out which bus and where would I need to catch this bus to get to somewhere near my boss. He told me which one and said that it stopped out the front of a real estate not far from my street apparently…so I grab all my shit (and I always have a lot of shit - I can never seem to travel lightly - even to work) and I start my journey.
Its cold and slightly windy, my bags are heavy, and because my shoes are getting on a bit, they're not as tight as they used to be and because I'm wearing stockings its making me slip in my shoes when I walk up the hill. Right so it was 8:14 and the bus was to arrive at 8:19. So I started walking along the line of shops looking for this real estate agent. Now I don't really know this area that well yet - but I am pretty familiar with the shops and I don't remember ever seeing this one. So im walking along - thinking it couldn't be all that far away from my street because that's what the guy on the phone said….I've probably walked about 10 shop lengths down the street when I see it. Stopped at the set of lights. The Bus. Heading in my direction!! OH CRAP! So I had to turn around and start running. Running with my heavy bags and my slippery shoes. Running past the arcade entrance, past Elders Real Estate, past the youth centre, past the Asian shop, past the computer shop, past Dominos, past the hobbie shop, past the petrol station, across the road……and I made it - only just! And luckily there were other people waiting for the bus so it gave me time to catch up - and I almost slipped over and lost my shoes a couple of times….and guess where the fucking bus stop was? Right at the very top of my street just in front the traffic lights! And ya know what? THERES NO FUCKING REAL ESTATE THERE! None!

I was not happy. So on I get. Now as I said, I have never done this on my own before so I was very nervous - I was also hot, sweaty, red faced and out of breath from chasing this freaking bus! So I say to the guy "*suburb* please" now I always thought it cost like $1.60 to catch the bus…and he said something that I thought sounded like "$2.90" I thought geeze, that's a bit much, but I gave him $3 anyhow…and he said "no , no niiiinnnnne teeeee" and im like "ninety what?" and he's like "nine" and im like "nine dollars for a bus ticket?" I tell ya I was about to turn around and go home! But then another helpful passenger - one that could speak English advise me that it was in fact $3.90 for the ticket! FOUR FUCKING DOLLARS! For a twenty minute bus ride? What a fucking rip off! And not only that, but that $4 was the money I was GOING to use to get my bread roll and tomato for my breakfast and lunch (to go with the ham that I packed).

Anyway, so I sit on the bus, I sat at the very front seat so that I didn't have to walk past people and I put my bags next to me so that I didn't have to sit next to some stranger and I sat there until I reached my destination.

Oh there were so many freaks on the bus I was terrified. I didn't know how to get the bus to stop where I wanted it to, I didn't even know if it was the right bus or if it would take me to where I needed to get off - which to be honest, even I wasn't sure where I needed to get off!!!

Anyway all in all I got to work safely…only all I have for breakfast and lunch is a few slices of ham!!! Woopy fucking doo! I don't have a car to get to the shops and I don't have any money to get to the shops!

Man oh Man.

What a day!

Wednesday, July 4, 2007

Ode to No One

" No Words "

i wanted to write You an ode, a final message of truce and love but i couldn't. the words, they would not come to me, they would not come because they were not there.

they used to be there, i used to be filled with a hope. a hope that one day we would be how i always wanted us to be, a hope that You would appreciate me and accept my love for You.

i had You high up on a pedestal for so long. i tried everything i could to be accepted by You, to be loved by You but You always threw it back in my face. i wanted so much for us to be together in a way that only we could be.

to have that special bond i forever dreamed of.

it's never going to happen. and i know that now, after years of heartbreak, years of tormenting myself.

im giving up now.

im sick of trying, im sick of wanting, im sick of waiting for a fairytale to come true.

You have never wanted it, i have wanted it from the start, but we have never been, we will never be.


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