Monday, July 16, 2007

How We Nearly Died for Half a Cow

I'm hoping for this one to be a short one but im not making any promises!
On Saturday, Mr.J and I were just going to stay at home and have a few drinks together and just hang out like we used to in the old days but his mate, B, called n said his parents were out of town and his brother and sister were coming to visit and did we wanna go over for a piss up…So we went and I have to be honest, I was a little worried at first…well, not so much worried but more that I thought it mighta been a bit weird. See S, B's twin sister used to date Mr.J back in the day before I came on the scene…But they only dated for a few weeks and it was all fine. She's engaged now anyway and they have two kids and whatever so all is good.

So we were all sittin round by the fire drinking and talking shit as you do when your drunk - although for some reason I did not feel like drinking - I think I only had about 6 or 7 drinks in the whole night (and it was a long one). Actually I think I know the reason why. I was making margaritas but not the normal way...just the cheat way with Margarita Mix instead of cointreau but because the margarita mix is a non-alcoholic mix…it was very sweet - too sweet in fact so I only had two before I got sick of em! After that, the only thing left to drink was my daddy's home made bourbon that Mr.J was drinking so I had some of that, only I don't really like coke so after 3 or 4 of them I was kinda over it so I just drank water!

Anyway at some stage through the night S and her beau and their friend were going for a drive to maccas, so I went along for the trip, and S and B's older brother decided that he wanted us to get him a burger…he wanted a FULL POUNDER!!!!!!!! I mean does this even exist? They have the quarter pounder and the half pounder - more commonly known as the 'double quarter pounder' but a full pounder? Wtf is that? Well if you really wanna know…It's four meat patties and eight slices of cheese on a burger bun with extra pickles and sauce and all the other crap they put on a pounder-of some kind.

So we get into maccas, two drunk girls, one semi drunk girl and a sober guy (guess who was drivin? Haha) and we order this "full pounder". It took them just under 5 minutes to make it, it cost over ten dollars (just for the burger-nothing else) and it was HALF A KILO OF MEAT! That's like a fucking baby cow or something! We should've just gotten him a spit roast and a really long baguette! Anyway this thing was fucking huge…and so totally disgusting! He ended up eating it all - he then disappeared shortly after that and we didn't see him for the rest of the night….No, the burger did not kill him - we think it may have made him a little sick though!…


On the way home, with the beastly burger on my lap, we were driving along and I was telling a story, presumably funny - although I now cannot remember what that story was, because as I was halfway through, I was looking at T-the girl next to me, and S, who was in the front seat (both girls on the passenger side of the car - I was behind the driver) so I was sort of looking at them both while talking when I saw it. Something BIGGER than the Full Pounder (believe it or not) crawl across the window next to S's head. At first I wasn't sure if it was inside the car or not and I didn't want to freak everyone out…so anyway I just sort of went silent…my mouth opened wide, I covered it slowly with my hand…I couldn't stop staring at it. I had to be sure it was NOT in the car…meanwhile, W is waiting for me to finish my story and T-the girl next to me is wondering what the hells wrong with me…All I could do was say "S, get in the back. Take off your seatbelt and GET IN THE BACK!?"

I just point and they see it….a GINORMOUS huntsman, as I said, almost TWICE THE SIZE of the FULL POUNDER , crawling across the window, right next to S's head…and Guess What?

IT WAS INSIDE THE CAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


So S stumbled in the back - managed not to spill one drop of her sundae (very impressive) we three girls are sitting in the back carrying-on n freaking out, W has leant over n punched it against the glass (while driving still) I was about to jump out cuz it sorta flew off the window and we weren't sure where it went, and then just as we've gone to go around the corner at a set of traffic lights, W found it again on the passenger seat - the car is still in motion, we're turning the corner, and he's trying to thump it, but then we lost it again! So the whole car ride was a squishy giggly ride back, T needed to wee and was trying not to wet herself, S was making sure she doesn't drip chocolate fudge everywhere and I'm trying not to squash this huge fucking burger between my legs - we all had our legs up incase the massive spider crawled under the seat and tried to eat our feet!!!!!!!!

Anyway, we got back safely, and the spider was never to be seen again…

But if I was S or W, I would always check the car before I get in…the spider we (hopefully) killed was just a baby….there will be an angry mummy somewhere waiting for revenge..........

DUM DUM DAAAH *scary music*

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