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Wednesday, May 18, 2016

Five Weeks - The End of Mourning. The Beginning of my Freedom

I've been doing some very serious thinking.

I had another bad dream about The Brazilian last night. Basically replaying the breakup and the heartache all over again in my dreams, stealing my sleep and disturbing my mind. But it got me thinking about it all and what went wrong.


It is all so clear to me now.

The way he parades himself to all those other women, is the same as he did when he and I first met. I know this because I read the messages he sent to some of them.


He is portraying himself as a sexy, fit, athletic 30-something divorced father of two, victim to a cruel ex wife, highly educated, successful and rich businessman being CIO and partner of an awesome business in Brazil.


It occurred to me that he is suffering his own insecurity and lack of self worth. He finds his "confidence" in his arrogance by masquerading himself as the aforementioned man.


Who he really is, is a middle aged man, gaining weight from sheer lack of motivation and a healthy diet, divorced by the woman who paid his way for the last four years, highly educated but with degree's and certifications that are currently absolutely useless to him, and the occasional email about a business idea, pipe dream, from some guy he used to know in Brazil.


He is suffering from all of these as failures.


And when his true identity became clear to me, I still loved him in spite of all of those "failures". Because I didn't see him as a man with many failures but more as a man going through a rough patch with great potential to become someone better. I loved him unconditionally.

I was not after his money, his knowledge, his anything. But it was this unconditional love that was the problem.
Well, if we're being honest, his egotistical arrogance was the problem, but it was this unconditional love that was the downfall.

I saw past the rich, educated, successful sexy man he wanted to be and so he sought that attention from all his whores who believed him, who didn't know the ugly truths behind his beautiful mask.


He wanted to be admired. He wanted to be feared. He wanted to be seen as someone else. Someone more successful than he. And even though I loved him beyond all of that, and saw the potential in him, his strong desire to be seen and wanted as this fake man blindsided him to what was right there in front of him. Blind sided him to the love and attention and affection that this "lesser man" was being given.

Unconditionally.

Our relationship was doomed to fail the minute I fell in love with who he really was and who I thought he could be.


I thought the hardship would humble him and give him strength to be even better than the fake man he wanted to be but his arrogance as that fake man was too strong. No amount of genuine love from me to him was going to cut through that façade.


I see that now.


And it's actually quite sad. I almost feel sorry for him.


Having understood all of the above and seeing the situation for what it is, I realise it was never me or anything I did. It's a battle he is obviously fighting with himself. Hopefully one day he will drop the façade, stop trying to be someone he's not and take the steps needed to become the man I thought he could become.

Strong and confident without arrogance.
Successful yet humble.

For all of this...I forgive him.

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