Monday, August 13, 2007

RAW EMOTION...Truth & Honesty

For anyone who knows me personally, I recommend you read it.
For anyone who ever bullied me at school, read it!
For anyone who doesn't know me, read it.

For anyone who doesn't care, read it.

You have nothing to lose. Possibly 5, maybe 10 minutes of your day. It won't hurt you, but you could learn something.

I want to be honest. I don't want to be ashamed anymore. I'm not scared to admit it. I don't care what you will think of me after reading this. I don't care if you want to bully me because of it. But if you do, I pity your very soul.

Some of you already know this so for those of you that don't, feel free to ask any questions about anything you don't understand. But please, I ask that you do so with a genuine interest and a kind heart.

For the first time in my 20 year life, I am going to publicly and unashamedly admit that I have Poland Syndrome. Without going into too much detail, it affects me in a very personal and physical way. I still have 2 arms, 2 legs, 10 fingers and 10 toes but there are things I don't have (feel free to msg me if you're curious). Poland Syndrome affects 1 out of every 30,000 to 100,000 people in the world. I am one of those people. If you know the symptoms of Poland Syndrome, my hands are not affected. But everything else is. I have one of the worst cases in Australia and it controls my life in every possible way.

I was brought up with a wonderful family life. A younger brother, an older sister and two fantastic and loving parents, who I might add, are still happily married.
We are not rich, but we have never been poor and my parents worked hard for that. We have always had everything we needed and almost everything we wanted - within reason. We were never spoilt and we were taught good morals and virtue.

For that I am utterly grateful and appreciate everything they have ever done for me, everything they continue to do for me and everything they will do for me.

But unfortunately, that aside, I had a horrible school and social life while growing up. All because of my Poland Syndrome.

Everyday millions of people are born into the world with all sorts of complications beyond their control. As one of these people I speak for all of us when I say we cannot control how we were born!!

Kids are cruel. For a very long period of my school life, I was the victim of sever bullying every single day. I cried myself to sleep every single night. To this day, as a result, I still have emotional breakdowns. I still cry myself to sleep sometimes and I still hate myself. I was teased and tormented and even beaten because of my Poland Syndrome - something that I have no control over. Something I never ever wanted. Yet nobody could understand that or even respect that. They were too busy trying to be cool or popular or "better" than others. But they aren't. You are selfish bastards for what you did to me. Your words and actions have destroyed me mentally and emotionally and it's a pain and suffering that I cannot escape! You may have forgotten your words, but I never will!

My Poland Syndrome is one that can never change. I will never look normal. I will never feel normal and I will never be normal. And I hate myself for that!

Over a 6 year period my parents have forked out about 30 maybe 40 grand in doctor appointments and consultations and surgeries and all kinds of medical procedures and all the shit involved with trying to "fix" me. I will forever appreciate with all the gratitude I can muster everything they went through to try. But no amount of money or surgery will ever be able to fix me. I can be "amended" and make it a little bit better - but I will never be properly fixed-ever! There are other girls with Poland Syndrome out there that can have surgeries to fix them and make them look normal, but sadly for me, I am missing too many important 'details' to ever have that glory. What I need is a miracle. A genie in a lamp. One magical wish is all I need!

I know that because of my Poland Syndrome and all the pain I went through at school it has made me grow into a great person. It has made me stronger and more mature and has given me great perspective to see things from a different angle. It has helped me to appreciate the important things in life. A whole bunch of sentimental crap and clich├ęs.

I still have a great family, great friends and a wonderful boyfriend who is everything I've ever looked for in a guy and he loves me and appreciates me for everything that I am - and especially for my Poland Syndrome. So it pains me to say this, but if I was given my one wish, I would, in the blink of an eye, undoubtedly, without hesitation wish for my Poland Syndrome to be gone. I would give anything and everything just to be normal. I know how selfish that is. But for all the virtue and perspective and maturity I have gained from this, I don't feel that it was worth all that pain and suffering that my family went through, that I went through, that I'm still going through.

I currently need another surgery to "amend" me a little bit more, but I can't afford it and that is something that depresses me a lot.

If I haven't bored you yet and you're still reading I want to take the time to say always think about your actions and words. Because a few minutes for you can mean the lifetime of pain that I have endured. You never know how your words can affect someone. Is that what you want on your conscience? For anyone who ever bullied me over my Poland Syndrome I hope that Satan (if he exists) tortures your body and soul for all eternity.

The reality that I will never be normal is a pain that I have to live with for the rest of my life. And everything bad and negative that people had to say about me or to me has made it so much harder for me to accept this.

When you're told something day in and day out over and over again - you start to believe it beyond your control. I was told that I was ugly and a freak and no one would ever love me because I was a worthless piece of shit and I believed that. I now suffer from anxiety and depression and paranoia because of those words and the negativity I have towards myself is a hard habit to break, but I'm trying.

Thank you for taking time out of your life to read this. I am sure there is more I want to say but I wont for now. But before you judge someone, before you want to say or do something hurtful or negative - take a step back and a minute to think about the consequences of your actions. Not for you - but for them. There is always more than meets the eye.

Do you really want to be the person who causes so much grief and angst?

The decision is yours.

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