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Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Mental Health

This is going to be super personal.

I’ve been feeling a little mentally unstable lately...Mostly since my surgery.

A little bit before hand too, but I think I was dealing with it better. However, since my surgery, I’m finding it harder and harder to cope with being inside my own head.

I had a massive break down at work 2 weeks ago...I can’t even work out what may have triggered it but I was just overcome with this immense sadness and it was so overwhelming that I just suffered from uncontrollable crying...it was ridiculous...I was at work for crying out loud!!

Anyway, after that, it dawned on me that I am probably suffering from depression....again........Or quite possibly, still.

I've been through a lot recently, especially with my surgery and it does bring back a lot of emotions and feelings from my past and unfortunately, they’re not such happy memories or feelings. I think that has taken a bit of a toll on me among other things and so I decided to go see my GP and get a referral for that mental health plan government scheme thing so that I can see a psychologist.

I’ve got my referral so now all I need to do is make an appointment. I’ve been a little busy lately with some pretty major stuff going on in my life right now but I do plan on making an appointment very soon for some time early in the New Year (probably after payday lol). I feel a little better already just knowing that I’ve taken this first step.

There was more I was going to write on this but seem to have gotten side tracked for the moment...

Also, since my surgery and with everything that’s going on my head, I’ve lost my appetite MAJORLY! I’m eating at least one meal a day and a few mouthfuls of another but it’s a real struggle at the moment and the thought of most foods makes me feel nauseas.
As a result, I have lost a bit of weight....I can only notice it in my clothes as they fall off me, but I caught up with my mother’s group friends on Sunday and 5 of them made comment of how much weight I've lost.

I attempted to binge eat last night....a favourite past time of mine...I failed miserably. I managed to eat a whole cookie and a few zig zag twisties but then I almost vomited so I just stopped eating and went to bed to sleep it off.

I miss food...I miss eating...it’s one of my favourite things to do...I love food so much and I love the act of eating good food, smelling the aromas, teasing your tastebuds, bringing the food close up to your lips as you salivate at how good it’s going to taste.

The textures that caress your tongue, the flavours that dance on your tastebuds....chewing and swallowing....oh god I'm getting hungry just thinking about it but then I look over at the food I failed to finish this morning, sitting helpless and sad in the bottom of my bin and just want to throw up.

Oh god when will I be able to eat again? This is torture!!

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