THE PLAGUE - God Must Hate Me...

OH MY GOD... What have I done to deserve this?

It all started as a normal morning, I got to work, had my breakfast upstairs in mum's office, then sat down at my desk preparing for a nice, normal day of work.

I had been sitting at my desk for all of 5 minutes when it started...THE PLAGUE...

I saw something outside that caught my attention so I walked over to the front door to take a look when inside the building on the floor next to the door I saw a half dead moth flailing around...Now just a quick update for those of you that don't know me – I HATE MOTHS...I am absolutely petrified of them!!!!! So anyway that moth was half dead so I knew it wasn't going to attack me so I quickly got my spray (I always keep it close by) and I drowned the bastard.

After I was certain it was dead, I had forgotten what I originally wanted to see outside so I started walking back towards my desk...when I saw it – ANOTHER MOTH!!! And this one was a biggen! So I ran to my desk and called mum........no answer, so I called Ms.A....in she came like a trooper! I gave her the spray and as she was killing that one, I saw another one fly around her and hide in the plant.....I had been taking a phone call at the time so couldn't call out to her to warn her and then by the time I got off the phone it was hiding somewhere and so we assumed it dead from all the fumes in the air as a result of all the mortein. Thanking Ms.A, I noticed that my can was getting a little low on poison so I gave mums phone another call to ask her to bring me some from stock. She still wasn't answering but just as I was hanging up I saw another moth! I wasn't sure if it was the same one or another one so I just sprayed at it again......now for me to do this is pretty tough – im so scared and for some reason when im trying to kill them they fly at me on the attack!!! As I could no longer get through to Ms.A I had to do it myself....just then, the phone rang...."holy shit" I thought, "im going to have to talk to someone in a calm voice and be off my guard..." luckily, it was only mum.... "You called me twice, what did you want?" "There's another moth mum.......and bring more spray!!!!!"

By this stage I was starting to panic! I had just fought off 2 killer moths by myself, Ms.A had killed one for me and then all of a sudden an ugly looking cockroach was starting to crawl under the front door!!!"

WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING TO THIS PLACE?" I screamed...I was getting really hot under the collar and a lil sweaty around the arm pits but I kept my cool because mum came to the rescue....

But just when I thought it was Ok...just when I thought mum would kill this moth and I could go back to normal....I WAS WRONG....Another 5 just suddenly appeared out of no where! And they were big fuckers – angry too!! So there's mum standing near the coffee table and lounges with a can of Pea Beau, im standing between my desk and the stairs with my can of Mortein and they're coming at us left right and centre....I was so freaking scared I couldn't take it any more.....Just as I went to bolt up the stairs Handy Man came in, saw all the commotion and offered to help. Handy Man was killing em with his bare hands – it really was a battlefield....for every one that we killed another 2 or 3 would appear.

We killed off about 30 – 40 (and im not exaggerating) and it seemed as though the coast was clear...but every time I tried to calm down and sit back at my desk one or two would appear.............I was soooo scared and I got really hot and sweaty I was that scared! I couldn't stay there, it was just awful.....it was like the calm before the storm.......Mum and/or Handy Man or whoever was on Moth Patrol with me would leave – trying to get some of their work done, I would stand there with the pea beau trying to calm myself down....telling myself that we killed them all and that it was all OK, I would finally reach a centre of calm within myself, start slowly walking to the desk to sit back down when they would come out again!

Honestly – I can only think of 3 explanations for this!

1. They had an army waiting inside and outside the fort waiting for me to be alone and let my guard down.
2. They were robot moths and didn't die and we were just trying to kill about 30 of the same creatures
3. IT WAS A PLAGUE! GOD HATES ME AND HAS SENT A PLAGUE TO BREAK ME DOWN!

I honestly feel it's the latter....but why? Why god why? I was so terrified...I felt so physically sick I thought I was going to vomit....

I went upstairs to Boss and I just said "I can't take this any more. I need to sit somewhere else or im going to have to go home" I was in tears and I couldn't breathe. I have scratches all over my neck and arms from where I was just freaking out.....it was fucking terrible.

So Boss organised for the IT guy to set up my account on someone else's computer (while she's on leave) and I transferred the phones to this desk...I am now no where near reception or the killer moths....I feel much better now – although after all this excitement I am a little worn out and have a bit of a headache but hopefully I should be OK...for now.....

One thing I am worried about though is tomorrow....What happens now that I am not there to protect my office – those moths will start accumulating and hanging out in reception, I wont know they're there so they wont be killed and they'll hide there till I arrive at work tomorrow and they'll attack while im un prepared...Because of my bad memory I will probably have forgotten all about it by the time I arrive tomorrow.....although you know what? Somehow I don't think I will forget....It was pretty terrible... I just need to suppress this memory and try to move on with my life and hope to god that I do not need to go into battle again tomorrow.

I may need to get another job if this keeps up – one that is secure from creatures of the outside world.....................

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Nothing Else Matters

Nothing Else Matters...

So close no matter how far

Couldn't be much more from the heart

Forever Trusting who we are

And nothing else matters

Recently something happened in my life. Something that, at the time, I knew was probably going to happen - and I was fine with it, at the time, but after the reality sunk in and I actually thought about what had happened, I realised I wasn't so fine with it…

Never opened myself this way

Life is ours, we live it our way

All these words I don't just say

And nothing else matters

I started feeling insecure and scared…I guess at the time I hadn't thought all the way through the consequences and the outcome of what was about to happen…and then when I did I felt physically sick, like I wanted to expel all the vile from within me. I tried to deal with this on my own. I didn't want to tell the people involved how I felt. One person in particular, Mr.J. I didn't want him to know how I was feeling - for my own reasons, so I bottled all the emotions inside of me…I pushed them far, far away to the deep and dark places in my heart and soul and I kept them there…until I could keep them there no longer…

Trust I seek and I find in you

Every day for us something new

Open mind for a different view

And nothing else matters

When I was finding it hard to open my eyes of a morning because they were sealed shut with dry tears and when I could no longer do particular things without shedding a tear, it was then that I realised I had to release these dark feelings from the depths of my soul. I had to trust in him but more importantly, I had to trust in myself…

Never cared for what they do

Never cared for what they know

But I know

So close no matter how far

Couldn't be much more from the heart

Forever trusting who we are

And nothing else matters

Speaking your mind and speaking the truth are hard things to do, especially when you are trying to protect a loved one by not speaking at all. But by trying to sacrifice my own happiness to save that of another, I learnt that I was just infecting the sadness into them like a plague. I knew what I had to do…

Never opened myself this way

Life is ours, we live it our way

All these words I don't just say

And nothing else matters

I let it all out. I opened up the gates to my hell and I released my demons. It was effortless, they just trickled off the tip of my tongue like the blood trickles off the point of a knife and out they went into the universe. I cried a lot, shed a lot of tears, released a lot of raw emotion. I cleansed my soul…

Trust I seek and I find in you

Every day for us something new

Open mind for a different view

And nothing else matters

Afterwards, I felt whole again. By releasing all my demons and emptying the darkness from my soul I was making room for love and affection again…

Never cared for what they say

Never cared for games they play

Never cared for what they do

Never cared for what they know

And I know

As we curled up on the lounge together to fall asleep in each others arms, I felt once again the security and blissful happiness that flows with being truly in love. The pure ecstasy that emanates from being able to express myself with 100% honesty to the people that matter the most and the awareness and the bravado from knowing that once again, everything is going to be OK and Nothing Else Matters…

So close no matter how far

Couldn't be much more from the heart

Forever trusting who we are

And nothing else matters

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RAW EMOTION...Truth & Honesty

For anyone who knows me personally, I recommend you read it.
For anyone who ever bullied me at school, read it!
For anyone who doesn't know me, read it.

For anyone who doesn't care, read it.

You have nothing to lose. Possibly 5, maybe 10 minutes of your day. It won't hurt you, but you could learn something.

I want to be honest. I don't want to be ashamed anymore. I'm not scared to admit it. I don't care what you will think of me after reading this. I don't care if you want to bully me because of it. But if you do, I pity your very soul.

Some of you already know this so for those of you that don't, feel free to ask any questions about anything you don't understand. But please, I ask that you do so with a genuine interest and a kind heart.

For the first time in my 20 year life, I am going to publicly and unashamedly admit that I have Poland Syndrome. Without going into too much detail, it affects me in a very personal and physical way. I still have 2 arms, 2 legs, 10 fingers and 10 toes but there are things I don't have (feel free to msg me if you're curious). Poland Syndrome affects 1 out of every 30,000 to 100,000 people in the world. I am one of those people. If you know the symptoms of Poland Syndrome, my hands are not affected. But everything else is. I have one of the worst cases in Australia and it controls my life in every possible way.

I was brought up with a wonderful family life. A younger brother, an older sister and two fantastic and loving parents, who I might add, are still happily married.
We are not rich, but we have never been poor and my parents worked hard for that. We have always had everything we needed and almost everything we wanted - within reason. We were never spoilt and we were taught good morals and virtue.

For that I am utterly grateful and appreciate everything they have ever done for me, everything they continue to do for me and everything they will do for me.

But unfortunately, that aside, I had a horrible school and social life while growing up. All because of my Poland Syndrome.

Everyday millions of people are born into the world with all sorts of complications beyond their control. As one of these people I speak for all of us when I say we cannot control how we were born!!

Kids are cruel. For a very long period of my school life, I was the victim of sever bullying every single day. I cried myself to sleep every single night. To this day, as a result, I still have emotional breakdowns. I still cry myself to sleep sometimes and I still hate myself. I was teased and tormented and even beaten because of my Poland Syndrome - something that I have no control over. Something I never ever wanted. Yet nobody could understand that or even respect that. They were too busy trying to be cool or popular or "better" than others. But they aren't. You are selfish bastards for what you did to me. Your words and actions have destroyed me mentally and emotionally and it's a pain and suffering that I cannot escape! You may have forgotten your words, but I never will!

My Poland Syndrome is one that can never change. I will never look normal. I will never feel normal and I will never be normal. And I hate myself for that!

Over a 6 year period my parents have forked out about 30 maybe 40 grand in doctor appointments and consultations and surgeries and all kinds of medical procedures and all the shit involved with trying to "fix" me. I will forever appreciate with all the gratitude I can muster everything they went through to try. But no amount of money or surgery will ever be able to fix me. I can be "amended" and make it a little bit better - but I will never be properly fixed-ever! There are other girls with Poland Syndrome out there that can have surgeries to fix them and make them look normal, but sadly for me, I am missing too many important 'details' to ever have that glory. What I need is a miracle. A genie in a lamp. One magical wish is all I need!

I know that because of my Poland Syndrome and all the pain I went through at school it has made me grow into a great person. It has made me stronger and more mature and has given me great perspective to see things from a different angle. It has helped me to appreciate the important things in life. A whole bunch of sentimental crap and clichés.

I still have a great family, great friends and a wonderful boyfriend who is everything I've ever looked for in a guy and he loves me and appreciates me for everything that I am - and especially for my Poland Syndrome. So it pains me to say this, but if I was given my one wish, I would, in the blink of an eye, undoubtedly, without hesitation wish for my Poland Syndrome to be gone. I would give anything and everything just to be normal. I know how selfish that is. But for all the virtue and perspective and maturity I have gained from this, I don't feel that it was worth all that pain and suffering that my family went through, that I went through, that I'm still going through.

I currently need another surgery to "amend" me a little bit more, but I can't afford it and that is something that depresses me a lot.

If I haven't bored you yet and you're still reading I want to take the time to say always think about your actions and words. Because a few minutes for you can mean the lifetime of pain that I have endured. You never know how your words can affect someone. Is that what you want on your conscience? For anyone who ever bullied me over my Poland Syndrome I hope that Satan (if he exists) tortures your body and soul for all eternity.

The reality that I will never be normal is a pain that I have to live with for the rest of my life. And everything bad and negative that people had to say about me or to me has made it so much harder for me to accept this.

When you're told something day in and day out over and over again - you start to believe it beyond your control. I was told that I was ugly and a freak and no one would ever love me because I was a worthless piece of shit and I believed that. I now suffer from anxiety and depression and paranoia because of those words and the negativity I have towards myself is a hard habit to break, but I'm trying.

Thank you for taking time out of your life to read this. I am sure there is more I want to say but I wont for now. But before you judge someone, before you want to say or do something hurtful or negative - take a step back and a minute to think about the consequences of your actions. Not for you - but for them. There is always more than meets the eye.

Do you really want to be the person who causes so much grief and angst?

The decision is yours.

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Forbidden

why is it that we want what we cant have

why is it that we cant have what we want

why cant we have the best of both worlds

why do we want the best of both worlds

when She thinks of you She hates herself, but She cant stop

She wants to touch you

She wants you to touch Her

She wants you to do what you do

She wants to kiss you, She wants to feel your skin with Her mouth

She wants your magic

She wants you to see Her, She wants to see you, She wants to feel you in her, on her, around her

She wants what She cant have

She cant have what She wants

She cant have the best of both worlds

why does She want the best of both worlds

She still hates Herself

She still cant stop

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How We Nearly Died for Half a Cow

I'm hoping for this one to be a short one but im not making any promises!
On Saturday, Mr.J and I were just going to stay at home and have a few drinks together and just hang out like we used to in the old days but his mate, B, called n said his parents were out of town and his brother and sister were coming to visit and did we wanna go over for a piss up…So we went and I have to be honest, I was a little worried at first…well, not so much worried but more that I thought it mighta been a bit weird. See S, B's twin sister used to date Mr.J back in the day before I came on the scene…But they only dated for a few weeks and it was all fine. She's engaged now anyway and they have two kids and whatever so all is good.

So we were all sittin round by the fire drinking and talking shit as you do when your drunk - although for some reason I did not feel like drinking - I think I only had about 6 or 7 drinks in the whole night (and it was a long one). Actually I think I know the reason why. I was making margaritas but not the normal way...just the cheat way with Margarita Mix instead of cointreau but because the margarita mix is a non-alcoholic mix…it was very sweet - too sweet in fact so I only had two before I got sick of em! After that, the only thing left to drink was my daddy's home made bourbon that Mr.J was drinking so I had some of that, only I don't really like coke so after 3 or 4 of them I was kinda over it so I just drank water!

Anyway at some stage through the night S and her beau and their friend were going for a drive to maccas, so I went along for the trip, and S and B's older brother decided that he wanted us to get him a burger…he wanted a FULL POUNDER!!!!!!!! I mean does this even exist? They have the quarter pounder and the half pounder - more commonly known as the 'double quarter pounder' but a full pounder? Wtf is that? Well if you really wanna know…It's four meat patties and eight slices of cheese on a burger bun with extra pickles and sauce and all the other crap they put on a pounder-of some kind.

So we get into maccas, two drunk girls, one semi drunk girl and a sober guy (guess who was drivin? Haha) and we order this "full pounder". It took them just under 5 minutes to make it, it cost over ten dollars (just for the burger-nothing else) and it was HALF A KILO OF MEAT! That's like a fucking baby cow or something! We should've just gotten him a spit roast and a really long baguette! Anyway this thing was fucking huge…and so totally disgusting! He ended up eating it all - he then disappeared shortly after that and we didn't see him for the rest of the night….No, the burger did not kill him - we think it may have made him a little sick though!…

BUT THAT'S NOT EVEN THE WORST PART OF THE STORY…

On the way home, with the beastly burger on my lap, we were driving along and I was telling a story, presumably funny - although I now cannot remember what that story was, because as I was halfway through, I was looking at T-the girl next to me, and S, who was in the front seat (both girls on the passenger side of the car - I was behind the driver) so I was sort of looking at them both while talking when I saw it. Something BIGGER than the Full Pounder (believe it or not) crawl across the window next to S's head. At first I wasn't sure if it was inside the car or not and I didn't want to freak everyone out…so anyway I just sort of went silent…my mouth opened wide, I covered it slowly with my hand…I couldn't stop staring at it. I had to be sure it was NOT in the car…meanwhile, W is waiting for me to finish my story and T-the girl next to me is wondering what the hells wrong with me…All I could do was say "S, get in the back. Take off your seatbelt and GET IN THE BACK!?"

I just point and they see it….a GINORMOUS huntsman, as I said, almost TWICE THE SIZE of the FULL POUNDER , crawling across the window, right next to S's head…and Guess What?

IT WAS INSIDE THE CAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH *ear piercing scream*

So S stumbled in the back - managed not to spill one drop of her sundae (very impressive) we three girls are sitting in the back carrying-on n freaking out, W has leant over n punched it against the glass (while driving still) I was about to jump out cuz it sorta flew off the window and we weren't sure where it went, and then just as we've gone to go around the corner at a set of traffic lights, W found it again on the passenger seat - the car is still in motion, we're turning the corner, and he's trying to thump it, but then we lost it again! So the whole car ride was a squishy giggly ride back, T needed to wee and was trying not to wet herself, S was making sure she doesn't drip chocolate fudge everywhere and I'm trying not to squash this huge fucking burger between my legs - we all had our legs up incase the massive spider crawled under the seat and tried to eat our feet!!!!!!!!

Anyway, we got back safely, and the spider was never to be seen again…

But if I was S or W, I would always check the car before I get in…the spider we (hopefully) killed was just a baby….there will be an angry mummy somewhere waiting for revenge..........

DUM DUM DAAAH *scary music*

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My Terrifying Ordeal

I think I can say that my Thursday morning started off on the worst possible foot ever!! In fact…I wouldn't even call it a foot! Oh god…it was so terrible…I shall start from where it all began……………….

*sparkly, pretty, twinkley, flashback music*
It all started last night. Mr.J hasn't been feeling the best lately so I went shopping on my own. And so that my house keys were not seen through my car windows I hide them in a little secret compartment that I have in my car…

Anyhow, I finished shopping headed home, Josh met me in the carpark, we took the shopping up, locked up, had dinner n went to bed.

So Mr.J gets up pretty early for work and he was gone by about 4:30 / 5 o clock this morning. So after I'd had my shower, packed some things for food for the day and put my shoes on ready to leave…I remembered that as there were no visitor bays left in the car park last night - I parked in our garage. So I thought to myself "well better make sure I've got the house keys ready" this is because the garage key-where my car is-is on the same key ring.

After a few seconds of failed searching I started to panic. I couldn't find my house keys….the longer it took me to look meant the later I got to work and the later I get to work means less time I have to go to the shops, buy what I need to buy for breakfast and lunch and be at work on time. So you can just imagine me frantically searching the bags and the kitchen for my house keys when all of a sudden it dawned on me. I started remembering what I had done the night before…my house keys were still locked tightly away in my secret compartment in my car…HOLY CRAP!

My keys were locked in the car which was locked in the garage that I did not have access to because my garage key is on the key ring for my house keys which are locked in my secret compartment in my car which is locked in the garage which I don't have access to because………………

And as you can see I FREAKED OUT!!! This has been one of my worst home-related nightmares since Mr.J and I moved in together. And I have always joked that it'd be cool if it happened because then I could have the day off work BUT I COULDN'T!!! Mum (whom we all know works with me and is my back up for me being away) IS IN BANG COCK! SO I HAD TO GO TO WORK….But how? Oh god…just thinking about it frightens me - it was just terrible…I rang my boss who lives about half way to my work and told her the 'situation'. She said if I could….*headspin* CATCH A BUS, she could pick me up and take me to work with her……oh god…I feel faint right now….You see the thing is, I don't do public transport…and the other thing is, I have never EVER in my life caught a bus on my own……IT WAS SO SCARY!

Ok so I rang this transport information line to find out which bus and where would I need to catch this bus to get to somewhere near my boss. He told me which one and said that it stopped out the front of a real estate not far from my street apparently…so I grab all my shit (and I always have a lot of shit - I can never seem to travel lightly - even to work) and I start my journey.
Its cold and slightly windy, my bags are heavy, and because my shoes are getting on a bit, they're not as tight as they used to be and because I'm wearing stockings its making me slip in my shoes when I walk up the hill. Right so it was 8:14 and the bus was to arrive at 8:19. So I started walking along the line of shops looking for this real estate agent. Now I don't really know this area that well yet - but I am pretty familiar with the shops and I don't remember ever seeing this one. So im walking along - thinking it couldn't be all that far away from my street because that's what the guy on the phone said….I've probably walked about 10 shop lengths down the street when I see it. Stopped at the set of lights. The Bus. Heading in my direction!! OH CRAP! So I had to turn around and start running. Running with my heavy bags and my slippery shoes. Running past the arcade entrance, past Elders Real Estate, past the youth centre, past the Asian shop, past the computer shop, past Dominos, past the hobbie shop, past the petrol station, across the road……and I made it - only just! And luckily there were other people waiting for the bus so it gave me time to catch up - and I almost slipped over and lost my shoes a couple of times….and guess where the fucking bus stop was? Right at the very top of my street just in front the traffic lights! And ya know what? THERES NO FUCKING REAL ESTATE THERE! None!

I was not happy. So on I get. Now as I said, I have never done this on my own before so I was very nervous - I was also hot, sweaty, red faced and out of breath from chasing this freaking bus! So I say to the guy "*suburb* please" now I always thought it cost like $1.60 to catch the bus…and he said something that I thought sounded like "$2.90" I thought geeze, that's a bit much, but I gave him $3 anyhow…and he said "no , no niiiinnnnne teeeee" and im like "ninety what?" and he's like "nine" and im like "nine dollars for a bus ticket?" I tell ya I was about to turn around and go home! But then another helpful passenger - one that could speak English advise me that it was in fact $3.90 for the ticket! FOUR FUCKING DOLLARS! For a twenty minute bus ride? What a fucking rip off! And not only that, but that $4 was the money I was GOING to use to get my bread roll and tomato for my breakfast and lunch (to go with the ham that I packed).

Anyway, so I sit on the bus, I sat at the very front seat so that I didn't have to walk past people and I put my bags next to me so that I didn't have to sit next to some stranger and I sat there until I reached my destination.

Oh there were so many freaks on the bus I was terrified. I didn't know how to get the bus to stop where I wanted it to, I didn't even know if it was the right bus or if it would take me to where I needed to get off - which to be honest, even I wasn't sure where I needed to get off!!!

Anyway all in all I got to work safely…only all I have for breakfast and lunch is a few slices of ham!!! Woopy fucking doo! I don't have a car to get to the shops and I don't have any money to get to the shops!

Man oh Man.

What a day!

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Ode to No One

" No Words "

i wanted to write You an ode, a final message of truce and love but i couldn't. the words, they would not come to me, they would not come because they were not there.

they used to be there, i used to be filled with a hope. a hope that one day we would be how i always wanted us to be, a hope that You would appreciate me and accept my love for You.

i had You high up on a pedestal for so long. i tried everything i could to be accepted by You, to be loved by You but You always threw it back in my face. i wanted so much for us to be together in a way that only we could be.

to have that special bond i forever dreamed of.

it's never going to happen. and i know that now, after years of heartbreak, years of tormenting myself.

im giving up now.

im sick of trying, im sick of wanting, im sick of waiting for a fairytale to come true.

You have never wanted it, i have wanted it from the start, but we have never been, we will never be.

forever.

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